Let the countdown begin!

Sort of as expected, things aren't going quite as expected. Haha...why would they at this point? I started taking Provera last week to kick-start things and was due to finish my 10 day regimen today. However, after only 7 days, the crimson tide appeared. Day 1 was officially on Monday, so I called RE's office that afternoon and was told to start birth control pills on Wednesday...today. Looks like we're about a week ahead of schedule all around, which had me panicking a bit, I'll admit. I remember in January when we thought we were going to go through with IVF then (started birth control and set our calendar appointment), that I started freaking out. This time has proven to be no different. I really didn't appreciate enough how nice it was to NOT think about this stuff for almost a whole year. Immediately, we've jumped back into it and I am getting the reminder of a lifetime about how stressful this all is.

I am a lot healthier than I was one year ago. My blood pressure is normal, my weight is significantly less (as of this posting, I've lost 60 pounds). I am exercising more...though admittedly, not much lately. The last time I had blood work done, my results were normal for everything. I know exactly what to expect with this IVF thing. I have had plenty of time to research it, have done enough IUI cycles with the same protocol to know what it will be like. I am more ready than ever. However, I am a mess! I posted a journal note in my online support group about this and I feel a little better about it, but my mind is still playing stupid games with me.

This cycle marks a very expensive, uncertain effort for us to change our lives forever by hopefully being able to start a family after nearly 8 years of just being a couple with no kids. I want a family...we want a family. BUT...I hate feeling like I have to let go of the things I've been controlling over the past year in exchange for only a possibility, not a guarantee. I may be started to get a bit obsessed with my weight loss...I still have more to lose to put me at my goal weight which is within healthy limits, but currently I'm 5 pounds away from my original pre-IVF goal weight, so I'll be satisfied to at least get to that goal. Still, I hate that I'm still shy of the final goal, but I'll get there someday. I've got other things to do first.

The truth is, my brain has already hopped onto the infertility roller coaster again. It doesn't matter whether or not I'm taking meds right now...it's the process, the anticipation, the finances...all of it that puts this ride in motion. It guarantees to be full of ups, downs, twists, and turns and in all our previous experiences, it hasn't ended well. This time, it has to work. There is still no guarantee, but we really have done EVERYTHING we could this time to improve the odds. This would be the ultimate defeat for us if it doesn't result in a healthy pregnancy and it terrifies me to be reminded that even with improved odds, there is still a chance that it won't work. I just can't accept that.

So...as hard as it is, I am going to try my best to lose more weight in the next month before we get in full gear with appointments and medication again. After that, I'm going to try harder than ever to stay relaxed and pray for a miracle and we'll see how things go.