Birth story

I have thought of updating this blog many times, but had not found the time to do it and when I looked at it, I realized that it had been longer than I thought since I last posted an update. So, this is the birth story which is long overdue.

The weekend of December 7th, we got the first snowstorm of the season and I informed my co-workers that the babies would not arrive over the weekend because of the weather. I simply would not allow it. On Saturday, I lost my mucous plug and by Sunday, my contractions were more regular, though not enough to warrant a trip to the hospital. Still, something just felt different at that point, and I decided to call the doctor the next day.

Monday morning came and I was still feeling like something was up, so I called my OB's office. I talked with the triage nurse because I didn't think it was an emergency and she was just as stumped as I was about my symptoms. She paged the doctor on call (it wasn't my OB, but it was her partner) who was also intrigued. I was asked to stop by the hospital and pack my bags as if this was the real thing "just in case." I was going to be hooked up to monitors just to see what was happening.

I left work (yes, I went to work that morning) and headed home to pick up DH and my hospital bag. The whole trip to the hospital consisted of me complaining that it wasn't time to have babies yet and they were just going to send me home, so this was a wasted trip.

We arrived at the hospital and headed to the 4th floor (OB floor) where we were sent to a triage room to be hooked up. As usual, the nurse who was trying to get the babies set up on the NST had nothing but trouble. Finally, a more seasoned nurse came in and took over, but even she had trouble keeping Baby B on the monitor. We eventually got enough readings to find that when I was having contractions (which were getting more and more regular), Baby B's heart rate would drop dramatically from the 160s to the 80s. When my OB arrived, she took one look at this information and said that we would be having the babies today. I sent DH into the hall to start making phone calls. He called my office to tell them I wouldn't be back after all, called our families and talked to the nurses about our insurance.

This is when everything started happening very quickly. All of a sudden, the anesthesiologist was in the room to get consent forms signed and to give me an epidural. My OB was in the middle of working with another patient, so another OB, Dr. Stahl, came in the room to introduce himself and take over my case. He did give me the option of trying induction for vaginal delivery, but recommended C-section because Baby B was in distress. Epidural was placed and I was wheeled into the OR.

Everyone was so friendly! By the time DH got into the OR, they had already cut me open. I didn't feel a thing, which was very strange to me. I expected to feel something, even pressure, but it just wasn't there. Baby A came out first and DH got to announce that we had a little boy. Declan Turner White was born on 12/9/14 weighing 6lbs and was 19 inches long. A minute later, his sister, Piper Ainsley White was born weighing 4lbs 5oz and was 18 inches long. Both were whisked away to be cleaned up as I was being sewn back together. Piper was taken to another room to be cleaned up because she was the one in distress and needed extra tests. Blood was found in her stool and in her mouth and there was concern that she had some health issues. We got to see them both before they were taken to the nursery.

I was wheeled into my hospital room eventually. It was hours before we were able to see the babies again. They finally allowed us to go to the nursery to see them. Declan was a cute little guy who was doing very well, but needed some extra observation. The babies were born at 34 weeks, 6 days, so they were still considered preemies. Piper was being transferred to a different hospital for more tests, so I got to see her and touch her, but not hold her.

The next few days were a blur. I quickly got into a routine with Declan of visiting/feeding every three hours and bonded with him quickly. DH would drive to the other hospital where Piper was every day to visit her and deliver breast milk. Finally, Piper returned to the hospital with her brother on day 4. I was discharged on that day (was kept one extra day because of blood pressure and because the babies were still there). Piper was doing well and it was thought that she had simply swallowed some of my blood just before delivery and that her own body was fully developed and functioning well. She was put in the nursery next to her brother.

Day 4 was by far, the hardest day for me. I cried all day long because I had to go home for the first time and wasn't going home with my babies. We would go home at 8pm and be back at the hospital by 10am (if not sooner) every day. On December 17th, we got to room-in with the babies as a trial before bringing them home. Declan was up all night long which made for some exhausted parents. However, we got to take our babies home on December 18th.

In one week, they will be 4 months old. Their first three months of life have gone by so quickly. Every day, the change a little more and I have never been so in love as I am with these two amazing people. They have slept through the night since 2 months of age. They smile and chatter with us and they have such a great routine. I cannot wait to see what they will become as they grow, but I am also sad to say goodbye to each day as they change so fast.

Babies are almost here!

I passed my 3 hour glucose test with flying colors. Everything was in range with every single blood draw. This was a HUGE relief for me because although my A1C early in my pregnancy was nice and low, putting me in the low risk category for gestational diabetes, diabetes does run in my family and I have PCOS, so I am technically at higher risk anyway. Gestational diabetes is considered "no big deal" in pregnancy because it is easy to treat, but it only further adds to the risk of developing diabetes later in life. That is what scared me. I have worked hard over the past few years to lower my risk as much as possible and this would have been quite a blow to me. So glad to know that I'm still healthy and that my pancreas is doing what it is supposed to do!!!

My doctor had requested that I have another CBC done because my white blood count was slightly elevated the last time. She wasn't concerned, but wanted to see what it looked like. Well, my numbers rose again. Still, I'm within an acceptable range, but they are now watching it more closely to make sure it doesn't keep rising. I'm not that worried about it, but hoping it really is nothing to worry about.

I hit the 30 week mark this week. I only have about 7 more weeks left if I make it to my evacuation day (the day in my mind that will be the last day I will allow myself to be pregnant). I have been getting lots of braxton hicks contractions, but of course it is completely random and it is still just a bit too early for these babies to be ready to enter the world. They have to hang in there for at least 4 more weeks before OB will be okay with them making an appearance. Most days are no big deal, but I do have some rough days with back pain and pressure from these heavy babies, so I am slowing down a bit more than I had been before.

OB appointment tomorrow to meet with a new doctor. Hoping I like this one, but I know that none will quite compare to the amazing one that I had before. I miss her already!

Testing

On October 8th, I will officially hit the 26 week mark of this pregnancy and there is no doubt that the large, low bump I am sporting is a pregnancy bump. It is obvious enough that people are feeling more comfortable bringing it up to me. When they find out I have twins in there, they get even more chatty about it.

Also on October 8th, we have an OB appointment complete with an ultrasound. These are now happening every 2 weeks (officially), so we will be getting LOTS of pictures of our little ones as they continue to grow. This is also the day I "get" to do my glucose tolerance test. I am REALLY not looking forward to this, but it must happen. I just hope that I can keep down the nasty stuff on an empty stomach long enough to complete the test and that I don't have to repeat it again down the road. In the meantime, I am working on completing a 24 hour urine test today. Lots of tests this week!

I get the rest of this month with my OB, then I have to switch. I do have appointments scheduled with each of the others so I can decide who I want, but I dread having to make the switch this late in the game. I am officially in my third trimester (especially since I am not "allowed" to go past 38 weeks with these twins), so the babies are growing very big very quickly and our appointments are happening much more frequently. This is the time when I need to have a really good OB to support me, so I am sincerely praying that I will fall in love with one of my "options" just as much as I have enjoyed my current OB.

Aside from scores of testing in the next couple of days, we finally got signed up to do our hospital tour. I was hoping to also get enrolled in some prenatal classes, but there don't appear to be many available right now. Hopefully it will pick up soon, or I will just seek some online. I am such an advocate for patient education that I feel like I need to be as prepared for this childbirth business as possible.

Two peas in a pod

This past weekend was my baby shower, put on by my sisters and my mom. The shower itself was fun, decorations lovely, food was tasty, and the guests were generous. All in all, it was a good day. The weather was even perfect for it!

The day before my shower, we had an OB appointment. My sister got to join us and was excited to get to hear those two little heartbeats. Baby B kicked the doppler a couple of times, which was fun. Baby A (per tradition) was squirming around to avoid the doppler and we managed to catch the heartbeat only for a few seconds before the baby found a good hiding spot away from the doppler. :)

OB gave us the bad news that she is leaving the practice and moving to another office 30 minutes north. She gave me a hug and said we could follow her, but since our trip was already 45 minutes, she recommended that we just stay at the practice and she would have one of her colleagues take over my care after she leaves in a few weeks. It was difficult news because we had grown pretty close to her and absolutely LOVED her as a doctor.

Today, we are officially 23 weeks along in this pregnancy and DH and I are celebrating our 8th wedding anniversary. What a great day!

Two babies!

"Two babies" is the phrase I hear from my sister almost every time we have a conversation. my 2 year old niece now does the same. These are the most recent pictures of our little blessings and things look good. Baby A is a little smaller (actually, Baby B is a little bigger), but both appear healthy and are developing nicely.

  Baby B is a thumb sucker and it was the cutest thing to watch as its little arms were over its head and covering its face until finally it found its thumb and all was well with the world again. We opted for the genders to be a surprise, but we have a pretty good guess about them at this point. My husband tells me every day that he can't wait to meet them in person. I agree, but at the moment, I am enjoying their active little kicks and punches and flips. Pregnancy is amazing!

Side effects I continue to deal with these days include hiccups (STILL!!) and issues with food. I certainly get hungry, but nothing sounds good. I eat, but am full almost immediately because there isn't much room in there. I am pleased that my earlier food aversions have basically ceased and I am once again able to stomach sweet treats like ice cream and chocolate (though I still watch it on this stuff). Also, sleeping is a bit of an issue. about 3-4 nights out of the week, I wake up between 2 and 3am and find myself to be wide awake for a solid 2-3 hours before I am able to fall asleep again. This is NOT typical for me as I am usually a solid sleeper. I guess it must be practice for after the babies are born.

Our most recent OB appointment was a lot better than the previous one. At this one, no concern was made about my weight. She appears to be okay with it given the development of the babies. Also, my blood pressure was within normal range at the appointment, so no medication just yet. I am still to monitor it at home and will return in 3 weeks for another check. She also mentioned something about wanting to do another ultrasound to check on growth in the next month, so I'm looking forward to that as well. At 19 1/2 weeks, I was measuring at 30 weeks compared to a singleton pregnancy. My OB believes I will get HUGE and asked if I was prepared...as if I have a choice. I think I can do this though and she agrees. She commented on how good things looked and how pleased she was at this appointment, so I am feeling much better in general about how things are progressing.

We got new windows in the bedrooms yesterday, so the nursery is no longer drafty. It remains mostly empty since we removed all the furniture and make a downstairs living space to make room for these little ones. Our shower is in a couple of weeks and our nursery (and house) will likely be overflowing with lots and lots of baby stuff. From there, we will assess our needs and start adding furniture and other baby essentials as we are able. As this pregnancy goes on, I am getting more and more excited!

Still going strong

This was a photo of our babies at 12 about weeks gestation. Twin "A" was chilling at a different angle than its sibling, so its view is of the top of its head, but twin "B" gave a nice profile shot for this one. I had intended to do a better job of chronicling this pregnancy, but alas I have let the ball drop so far. This picture was taken a month ago, so in a couple of weeks, we'll have a new picture to post of even bigger babies!

After an initially rough start to pregnancy, things have been much smoother. My first trimester, I had almost no nausea, but I had terrible gas until about 12 weeks. I stopped fitting into my clothes at about 9 weeks, but my bump really started showing at about 13 weeks. Second trimester symptoms have included some heartburn and daily hiccups. Also, it is becoming noticeably more difficult for me to get off the couch or out of bed. It takes much more effort, which is shocking to me because I don't feel like it should be that difficult already. Trips to the bathroom are a little less frequent than they had been a few weeks ago (for now). I have more energy, but get more winded when I do things.

My first OB appointment was scheduled at 12 weeks, but because my doctor got called away to deliver 2 babies, we were rescheduled for the following week. Fortunately, I was still able to get my ultrasound and blood work taken care of, so by the time we did get to see my OB, the test results were back and she was very pleased with how everything looked. It was a HUGE relief to know that she was okay with my weight gain of 2lbs in a week, that I am at low/no risk for gestational diabetes, and my blood pressure is good so far.

Tomorrow will be the official 17 week mark in my pregnancy and I swear I have felt some movements occasionally since about week 15. This morning, I distinctly felt some movement and I am looking forward to being able to feel even more. What I really can't wait for is when my husband will be able to feel and see the babies moving. He kisses them every night before I go to bed and tells them goodnight. It's so sweet!

We officially broke the news of our twins on Facebook. It was initially a passive announcement, noting that we are starting our pediatrician search and wanted some recommendations. While our close friends and family have known for quite some time, there were several of our FB friends who didn't have a clue. We have been getting lots of congratulations messages from people since the big announcement. It never ceases to amaze me how genuinely excited people have been for us, not only because of our pregnancy after years of infertility, but because we are having twins! While I would be lying if I said I was not excited, I live with it every day and know we have several more weeks to wait until we meet these blessings, so I am not jumping up and down with excitement as much as some of our friends and family have been. I told my husband that it makes me feel good to know how excited others are for us, which perhaps makes me feel less like bopping up and down myself. Also, our infertility journey has been so long and so physically and emotionally draining. I feel so very blessed to be pregnant after all we have been through to make this happen, but I feel like it wasn't like, "Surprise, you're pregnant! Bet you didn't see that coming." It feels more like, "It's about time, geez!" Of course, my husband and I are the only ones who really understand this feeling we both have. We are VERY excited, but just overwhelmed at how much it took to get to this point. Last night, we agreed that it would be amazing if we were able to get pregnant on our own after this, or with much more minimal treatment (if we even want to try again someday).

This has been a long road and I am so glad we have finally had some success. I pray every day that our babies continue to be healthy and that I continue to be healthy and that all goes well. Our official due date remains January 14, 2014 a this time, but we are still expecting these two amazing blessings to appear before the close of 2013.

First picture

This ultrasound was done at 8 weeks, 0 days. It was our first ultrasound and our last appointment with RE before being released to the OB.

We have 2 babies growing (baby B is a little fuzzy in this, but everything looks good). Both babies looked good and had great heartbeats.

I have spent the 8 week mark with a cold complete with laryngitis, so it took me a couple of days before I had enough of a voice to call to schedule the first OB appointment which has been set to occur when I am 12 weeks along with these babies.

My family and the few friends who know are excited. Actually, my sister who has kids is over the moon. Every day, she tells me what she is saving for me from her own collection of baby stuff and she has already told me that she is getting stuff together for my baby shower. Baby shower...my mom suggested we do this in September when my sis is in town, so it is still a few months away. I appreciate her excitement. I was excited when she was pregnant too, but she is topping the charts with her enthusiasm.

Other than the cold, I have been managing fairly well since the OHSS. It took a couple of weeks for the swelling to subside, but I am finally able to wear some of my clothes again for the moment, though I am again outgrowing them at this point.

Since this is my first pregnancy, I am not sure what to compare it to, but there really hasn't been a day that has gone by that I haven't felt something...round ligament pain, cramping, soreness, something to remind me that there are amazing things happening inside me right now. I'm going through that mix of excitement and terror with my emotions, but overall I am enjoying this.

Pregnancy and OHSS

I have developed late-onset ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome (OHSS). This is a condition in which the ovaries swell because of increased HCG levels and cause the body to release fluid into the abdomen instead of flushing it out of the system properly. It can occur as a result of the trigger shot prior to egg retrieval, or in my case, because of a positive pregnancy when HCG levels are rising quickly. It varies in severity from mild to severe and can include symptoms such as bloating, cramping, decreased urine output, decreased appetite, fever, weight gain, shortness of breath, etc. There is no actual "treatment" for late-onset OHSS because it is pregnancy-related. All they can do is monitor symptoms and do maintenance therapy, such as procedures to drain some of the fluid, encourage increased intake of fluids that contain electrolytes (like Gatorade), increase protein intake, and increase salt intake.

My case was determined to be moderate. My RE says he sees this in approximately 1 out of every 100 patients and was able to confirm my fluid retention with a ultrasound that showed fluid in all four abdominal quadrants. He was sure I had at least 2 liters of fluid, but they were only able to drain 800 ml. I have experienced some relief in that my swelling is not as severe as it was and the fluid seems to move around from my belly, to my hips, to my back and sometimes seems to decrease in volume slightly (especially after eating my protein and salty foods). I have been assured that OHSS doesn't negatively impact pregnancy, may be an indication of multiples, and is actually a good sign that pregnancy is progressing appropriately.

This OHSS may last anywhere from couple of weeks to the end of my first trimester which means that it is very likely that I may look 5-8 months pregnant for at least 2 more months. None of my pants fit (except for my few pairs of stretchy pants), so I am having to take myself shopping for some maternity clothes to get me through until I can fit into my old clothes again (whenever that may be).

This makes keeping my secret pretty tricky. I had explained at work that I had surgery (I told them I was having a cyst removed when I was actually having IVF) and this is an uncommon complication. It is true...this isn't a common condition and it is related to IVF. However, I'm waiting for other people to start asking because I have literally ballooned overnight.

We told our families on Mother's Day. I'm only 4.5 weeks pregnant, but given the slight complication and the holiday, we thought we could use the extra support. Our closest friends won't be told until after our first ultrasound which has been scheduled at the end of this month (I'll be 7 weeks by then). Other friends, relatives, work people, and general acquaintances will be told after 12 weeks. Almost everyone knows how long we've been trying and how difficult this journey has been, so we want to make it as special as we can when we share our news to each group.

At this point, I hope and pray that this pregnancy goes well and that this OHSS is the only major bump in the road.

BFP

Well, transfer day arrived and we only had 2 blastocysts that made it. We had planned to transfer 2 which meant we didn't have any left to freeze. The blastocysts we had were graded BA and AA, so they looked good. I'm not sure what happened to the other 8, but that left my husband and I to feel a sense of defeat and desperation for at least one of our two little blasts to stick since we wouldn't have anything left to do a frozen cycle later if necessary.

Transfer went well and I felt nothing essentially until four days later when I woke up feeling strange. I felt bloated and fat (I don't usually feel like this, especially when I first wake up), had noticeable cramping and strange pains here and there and my appetite changed...either I wasn't hungry, or was craving foods that I don't eat very often. This went on through the next day as well, so I caved and decided to start testing early. I fully anticipated a negative test this morning when I was testing 6 days after my transfer (and three days early), but it immediately turned positive.

I am cautiously optimistic about this. I know it could be a false positive, but I plan to continue testing until my blood test in three days. In the meantime, I have an appointment to get my progesterone level checked tomorrow, so I might mention it to my RE, but this is the first time I have ever had two lines show up on a pregnancy test, so I'm enjoying the moment for now.

I've been busy!

I kept thinking that I needed to update my progress, but things have been so crazy this month, between taking time off from work and going to appointments and trying to stay on top of everything else, that I just haven't had a chance to update until now. When I left off, I was finishing my birth control and was starting Lupron injections...

Lupron is no fun! It came with headaches and made me grumpy and I was an emotional mess (don't know if that part was the Lupron, or if it was a mix of several factors). Historically when on birth control, AF tends to do stupid things like show up in bits about a week into to pills. She didn't let me down this time, either. Official day 1 was the day after my last birth control pill, but AF had been unofficially around for a couple of weeks already. In spite of this, my baseline testing was good.

Baseline results:
     Estradiol- 38.12
     LH- 3.76

I started my FSH injections shortly after and was fully expecting my emotions to be even crazier. My husband swears I wasn't "that bad," but I felt like I was. I guess I just did a REALLY good job of keeping it to myself, or at least not taking it out on him. I had a couple of anxiety/panic days, but felt pretty good until my CD7 testing. RE's nurse seemed "okay" with results, but she and RE agreed that they needed to bump me up a bit on the hormones (as expected...they always do that to me).

CD7 results:
     Estradiol- 100
     LH- 3.72
     Progesterone- 0.57
     Lining- 8
     Follicles- 7

So, after getting my blood work back, RE decided to double my dose of medication. I was okay with this, but realized I would then need more than I had stockpiled (I bought a lot of my medications ahead of time to "save" them for this cycle, so I could save some money). This sent me into a bit of a panic, which was worsened of course by the meds which prevent me from being able to logically talk myself down from a panic. However, I was sure I had worked this out and was able to relax for a couple more days.

CD10 results:
     Estradiol- 646.88
     LH- 2.66
     Progesterone- 0.43
     Lining- 13
     Follicles- 15

RE's nurse was sure that by day 10, RE would decrease my meds, but they didn't. This sent me into a panic again because my "prior arrangements" had fallen through at the last minute. Fortunately, I was able to order just enough in the nick of time, but as a result of my panic, I skipped a dose and took only a partial dose one day, thinking I would run out otherwise. Fortunately, I was mistaken and had exactly what I needed by the time my additional meds arrived the next day.

Side story...my meds arrived no thanks to the FedEx guy...have never had a problem before, but he delivered my packages (I actually had two shipments of meds I was expecting on the same day) to my neighbor's house instead of mine. My address is clearly posted on my house and my mailbox in front of my house and my neighbor's address is clearly posted on her house as well (right above where he left the packages). I was home and waiting and even saw the truck take off after he left, then noticed that my packages had been marked as "delivered," which immediately sent me racing out the door to try to track down my mail...fortunately, they were still sitting on my neighbor's porch, so I grabbed them and brought them to my house. Lessons learned from this: Don't waive the signature and FedEx doesn't have a way that you can file a complaint.

CD13 results:
     Estradiol- 1,999
     Lining- 13
     Follicles- She stopped counting at 17 and said there were several more, but she said there was no 
                     reason to keep counting at that point.

On day 13, I was informed that I was "ready." Things looked good and they didn't even run all the lab work because my ultrasound and estradiol levels were evidence enough that things were where they should be. I was told to do my HCG trigger that night at 7:30 and my egg retrieval was scheduled two days later...we had to be at the clinic by 7am.

Let me just say that I am a morning person, but to be at the clinic by 7 meant that we were up at 4:45 to take showers, get dressed and head out the door by 5:30 because it is an hour and a half drive from our house to the clinic. It was definitely a long day!

Egg retrieval wasn't like I pictured it would be. The anesthesiologist said that some people are awake through the whole procedure, just medicated enough to keep the pain away. I was really looking forward to this, but no sooner did she put the meds into my IV did I feel them hit me and the very next thing I remember is hearing them tell me they were almost done. What the heck? I missed the whole thing! I had not been adequately prepared for how I would feel after the retrieval, either. I had expected some cramping, but didn't realize that there would also be pressure/bloating/gassy feelings in my abdomen and I further didn't realize that it would make any bathroom activities very painful! I have a high pain tolerance, so it was more uncomfortable than painful, but I think having not been fully prepared for what to expect made it a little worse initially. After I discovered that my feelings were normal, I went online to see how I could help ease the symptoms a bit. For those who may need some support with this, here is what I found... drink lots of fluids (especially ones with electrolytes like Gatorade---yuck!), sleep sitting up (RE had told me this one) for a couple of days, laxatives as needed (and in my case, they were definitely needed), high protein and low sodium diet. I also had pain meds which helped quite a bit, but made me feel really strange, so I used those sparingly. Today is "the day after" and I'm feeling a lot better. All my symptoms are still there, but to a much smaller degree. Hopefully, within another day or two, I'll be feeling somewhat normal again.

Got the fertilization report from the embryologist this morning.

     Eggs retrieved- 15
     Mature eggs- 12
     Fertilized eggs- 10

So, I'm off the hook for a few days while these little guys and girls grow. The embryologist will call us on day 3 to give us an update on how they're progressing and we are planning to transfer 2 of them on day 5. We will be freezing the rest.

I am so excited about how well this cycle has gone. RE's nurse swears I have never before responded this well and she felt really good about how things were progressing. I hadn't always been as convinced, but I do believe several factors may have helped us out: 1. weight loss- I've lost 60 pounds since our last attempt 2. herbs- I have been regularly taking false unicorn root and cramp bark per the recommendation of my herbalist even though most of this cycle 3. time off- I took several days off work to "regroup" and tried to schedule as many of my appointments during those times as I could which helped lower my stress levels. I feel really good about our results now that I know we have our 10 fertilized eggs sitting in an incubator. I'm hoping they develop the way they are supposed to and that our transfer goes smoothly. Then... I am praying that  I will soon be able to announce my first pregnancy after nearly 8 years of trying!

First wave is underway

I have been on birth control pills for two weeks and last weekend, I started Lupron injections. Once AF shows, my dose will be cut in half and I will begin my stimulation medication. Thanks to Lupron, I am now dealing with daily headaches, which are rather unpleasant and I've been a bit grumpy. I sure had forgotten just how nasty these medications are!

This makes me even more thankful that I will be off work quite a bit this month. In fact, this is the only full week that I will work for the next few weeks. I have at least 2 and sometimes three days off every week until May. Depending on how things are looking for our transfer, I'll likely take a day or two off at the beginning of May, too. We shall see how things look in the next couple of weeks.

I had made the decision not to talk to people about our IVF efforts this time because I don't want anyone to bring it up. I don't want to have to give them updates, or give them bad news and if I have good news to give at the end of this, I want to be able to decide when and how I tell them. I have a feeling that my husband has mentioned it to some of his family members because it is suddenly getting brought up by them and somehow they know exactly how much it is costing us. While I did tell him he could tell some people, I really wish he wouldn't have told his family...not yet at least.

I just hope that this roller coaster of a month flies by smoothly and quickly!

Let the countdown begin!

Sort of as expected, things aren't going quite as expected. Haha...why would they at this point? I started taking Provera last week to kick-start things and was due to finish my 10 day regimen today. However, after only 7 days, the crimson tide appeared. Day 1 was officially on Monday, so I called RE's office that afternoon and was told to start birth control pills on Wednesday...today. Looks like we're about a week ahead of schedule all around, which had me panicking a bit, I'll admit. I remember in January when we thought we were going to go through with IVF then (started birth control and set our calendar appointment), that I started freaking out. This time has proven to be no different. I really didn't appreciate enough how nice it was to NOT think about this stuff for almost a whole year. Immediately, we've jumped back into it and I am getting the reminder of a lifetime about how stressful this all is.

I am a lot healthier than I was one year ago. My blood pressure is normal, my weight is significantly less (as of this posting, I've lost 60 pounds). I am exercising more...though admittedly, not much lately. The last time I had blood work done, my results were normal for everything. I know exactly what to expect with this IVF thing. I have had plenty of time to research it, have done enough IUI cycles with the same protocol to know what it will be like. I am more ready than ever. However, I am a mess! I posted a journal note in my online support group about this and I feel a little better about it, but my mind is still playing stupid games with me.

This cycle marks a very expensive, uncertain effort for us to change our lives forever by hopefully being able to start a family after nearly 8 years of just being a couple with no kids. I want a family...we want a family. BUT...I hate feeling like I have to let go of the things I've been controlling over the past year in exchange for only a possibility, not a guarantee. I may be started to get a bit obsessed with my weight loss...I still have more to lose to put me at my goal weight which is within healthy limits, but currently I'm 5 pounds away from my original pre-IVF goal weight, so I'll be satisfied to at least get to that goal. Still, I hate that I'm still shy of the final goal, but I'll get there someday. I've got other things to do first.

The truth is, my brain has already hopped onto the infertility roller coaster again. It doesn't matter whether or not I'm taking meds right now...it's the process, the anticipation, the finances...all of it that puts this ride in motion. It guarantees to be full of ups, downs, twists, and turns and in all our previous experiences, it hasn't ended well. This time, it has to work. There is still no guarantee, but we really have done EVERYTHING we could this time to improve the odds. This would be the ultimate defeat for us if it doesn't result in a healthy pregnancy and it terrifies me to be reminded that even with improved odds, there is still a chance that it won't work. I just can't accept that.

So...as hard as it is, I am going to try my best to lose more weight in the next month before we get in full gear with appointments and medication again. After that, I'm going to try harder than ever to stay relaxed and pray for a miracle and we'll see how things go.

Delays ahead

This seems to be the story of my life these days. Everything was ready to go for IVF at the first of the year. I had been informed at the end of the year that my insurance was changing which promised to include fertility benefits, so everything was set for January.

AF made an appearance and I diligently called RE's office to get the ball rolling. I started my birth control and scheduled my calendar appointment, patiently counting down the days. A few days later, RE's office called to tell me that the insurance company was telling them that I did not have coverage for fertility treatment, so they asked me to follow up to make sure. Well, this turned into a big mess which resulted in cancelling the calendar appointment, stopping my birth control and putting everything on hold while we worked on sorting things out. I cannot even begin to describe the feelings of defeat and anger and disappointment that I felt through this ordeal. It took several weeks for me to even call my insurance company to investigate because I was so upset.

When I did finally get a difinitive response from my insurance company, the news wasn't good. While I do apparently have some fertility benefits, this doesn't include IUI or IVF. Lovely...that's what I needed coverage for. Without help from my insurance, we had to save a little more money before we could get back on track with our IVF plans.

Now it is the middle of March and we have been pinching pennies to save up the rest of what we need to fund this cycle. I was able to get most of my meds (the most expensive ones) at a significant discount and they are tucked away, ready to be used when needed. I started Povera earlier this week to make sure that AF doesn't decide to play any cruel jokes on me and I'm expecting to make the call to RE's office sometime next week. I roughly reviewed my calendar and am figuring that if things go according to plan (for once), IVF should happen at the very beginning of May.

I haven't really talked about things with DH lately. I don't want him to get his hopes up or have it on his mind constantly like I do, so when the calendar appointment gets scheduled, that's when I'll tell him that we're back on track. After this whole ordeal, I really don't think that I want to tell anyone (including work) this time. I have a ton of PTO time that I have to take before May, so after my calendar appointment, I will be able to schedule time off for all of my appointments and nobody will be aware that it is for any reason other than because I have to take off anyway.

Part of me actually wants to tell people that we're doing this again, but I want this to work so badly that I feel like we should keep it a secret for once. That way if and when we get good results, we can surprise everyone when and how we choose to share our news. If we don't get good results, we can screen who we share that news with as well and we don't have to tell them until we're emotionally ready to do so.

Hopefully, I can actually update more frequently in the coming weeks since things are starting to get moving again.

What Have I Been Doing?

No worries; I'm still here. I have been working hard over the past few months. I mentioned in my last blog entry that I had been using an app to help track my food intake and exercise habits and it was really working for me. I have lost 28 pounds since I started using the app and I'm still working on it. I had hoped to be down at least 30 pounds, but I hit a bit of a plateau for a few weeks, but the numbers on the scale have recently started dropping again.

I watch my total calorie intake every day and I make room as often as I can for "treadmill time" and other exercises to help melt away the yucky fat I have carried around for the past several years. At this point, I weigh less than I did when I started dating my now husband. Most of my clothes are too big and the clothes I had "outgrown" from my days as a single woman now fit again. I am 9 pounds away from my end-of-the-year goal. I don't know if I will make it by December 31, but I hope to be as close as possible. Once I reach that point, I plan to continue my weight loss with the ultimate goal of losing enough weight to feel like I am comfortably in the "normal" BMI range.

It is now December and if you had been keeping up with my blog, you would know that this was the month we were planning to start the IVF process...as long as things went "according to plan." When does that ever happen? In November, my employer sent out notification that our insurance provider would be changing January 1st. they promised that there would be no changes in coverage, BUT...it turns out that our new insurance offers some (very little) coverage for infertility. The previous insurance did not have any coverage, so this was a positive change. I had counted also on electing the full $5K of flex spending funds, but the government slashed that in half, so a lot went into our ultimate decision to postpone IVF until January. New year, new insurance, new start. So...we wait another month, but we are both hoping that all of our efforts over the past few months will prove fruitful and that we will be pregnant in 2013.

And so, I want to wish my blog-stalkers a wonderful holiday season. We plan to celebrate this holiday as if it will be our last without children and hopefully...this will indeed be the case. Expect more frequent blog updates once we start our IVF journey early in 2013.

Getting Ready

Yet again, it has been a little while since I last updated my blog, but I have been working hard since my last post. My new OBGYN encouraged me to see a dietitian to help me with my weight loss after I told her I was really struggling with it, but I dragged my feet about it and decided I knew what I needed to do, but needed some motivation to get started. So...instead of seeing the dietitian, I found an app for that and I LOVE it!!!

I have set a goal to lose approximately two pounds per week and in 30 days, I have now lost 11 pounds. I have never before had such success with a fitness plan as I am having with this app and it doesn't feel like a chore for me, which is really helping me maintain the motivation to keep going. I have several mini-goals that I have set for myself as well to help encourage me and to keep me on track with my bigger goal.

Even better...my weight loss is starting to be noticed by others. I see it myself on the scale, but I was talking to someone who hadn't seen me in a few months and they made a comment about it. It felt so great to confirm that I did indeed lose weight. My clothes are starting to be too big (which makes finding clothes for work a bit of a challenge), and I am finding that I can again comfortably wear some outfits that were just a bit too tight before I started losing weight. My husband even made the comment this afternoon that his arms fit around me better.

This weight loss is all part of the journey. I needed to lose weight before all this treatment stuff, but months of hormones being pumped into my body took a toll as well and I had really packed on the pounds over the past couple of years. I constantly remind myself of the friends I've had who (like me) struggled to get pregnant until they lost weight; then they got their miracles. I'd love to be in that club, so I'm going to do my best to get myself into a healthier weight category.

I have also followed up with my family doctor about my blood pressure. I actually had made an appointment to "check things out" since I hadn't been in for a while. I needed to get a new prescription for my Metformin anyway (I switched to Glumetza which I am sooo much happier with). As usual, my blood pressure was high on the day of  my appointment, so he told me to monitor it for a month and follow up. I did so diligently and was ashamed to show him just how high it is on a consistent basis. So now I'm on blood pressure medicine...the same one I was on several years ago. It is pregnancy-friendly in anticipation that our next official TTC efforts will prove successful. Within a day or two, my blood pressure has gone back down to acceptable levels. I'm glad it's normal, hate that I have to take a pill to make it normal, but like that the pill I'm on is safe for pregnancy and may even help me have a more normal pregnancy when I eventually DO get pregnant.

In the midst of all this, I was going through the IVF information packet that we got from our RE after our last failed IUI. I had a bunch of questions about various parts of it, so I called his nurse (I like her a lot because she is extremely nice and very helpful). She wasn't busy when I called and even if she didn't remember me immediately, I didn't notice because she acted like we had just recently talked (I hadn't actually talked to her since March). She answered all my questions and helped me come up with a timeline of when things would need to happen in preparation for our IVF. I told her we want to do it in January, so we'll be starting everything in December as long as all goes according to plan.

At this point, I feel like I can again look forward to restarting our efforts. I feel like these preparations (asking questions, planning, weight loss, managing other health issues, etc.) are going to make a huge difference in our efforts this time. I'm not simply "waiting" anymore; I'm doing something to help our chances.

Positive energy

That is what my new OBGYN has given me...positive energy. My appointment with her went very well. I felt comfortable with her and she and her nurse both recognized that I'm pretty knowledgeable about my own health and didn't treat me like an idiot. I told her about our struggles with infertility and our plans to do IVF in a few months and she was totally supportive. She suggested (as I figured she would) that I get to work on the weight loss thing to help improve my chances and possibly get my body working better on its own. She then was empathetic with me when I told her how much I have struggled with it lately and she suggested I see a dietitian to help give me extra support. I had thought about this before, but never took action. Overall, I felt great about my appointment...and I didn't have to sit in the waiting room forever before they called my name. The whole process went very smoothly.

My husband has been working for the past couple of months and is happy with his job, but was worried about the potential of having it be too stressful when they get busy this fall. He wasn't sure exactly what was expected of him and had decided he still wanted to finish school. So...we set up an appointment for him to work on getting back into school (he really needs support for a learning disorder that he has just been "dealing with" until now). He then talked to his boss about it and not only was his boss supportive of my husband finishing his degree, but he was able to clarify his expectations and gave him another raise. This was totally unexpected and really lifted our spirits even more.

We received a letter to notify us that we had not been selected to receive the IVF grant we applied for, but neither one of us was disappointed about it. Certainly, it would have been nice to have a cycle paid for by somebody else, but at this point, we almost have the money we need to pay for it ourselves and we feel that another couple is probably more in need than we are at this point.

I pray all the time and a lot of my prayers have been answered recently. My continued prayer is that all this positive energy that has been generated lately will continue, and that this will lead into my biggest prayer being answered...finally getting pregnant and having a family of our own.

Things are starting to look a little brighter

Once again, I had disappeared for a while, but I'm checking in again. In my last post, I noted that we were applying for some grants to help us fund further treatments. We applied for one grant (Embracing Hope) and at last check, they still hadn't awarded it yet, but I'm not all that optimistic that we will be the ones selected. There was another grant application due on June 1, and I let that deadline come and go without submitting an application. I thought about it and decided that we probably wouldn't get it because I didn't leave myself enough time to complete what would be a really good grant application. I know this all really sounds less than optimistic, but I think (and I hope) that God is opening some other doors for us.

We had gone back to herbal treatments which didn't seem to help as much this time, so I haven't really kept up with it. However, at work we are really putting more focus on holistic care and being able to provide our clients with a resource list of alternative treatments as well as offering some holistic services. In the midst of my research, I found an integrative medicine physician that is affiliated with our local hospital and arranged for my co-workers and I to meet with him. He has really renewed my energy at work and personally and I am planning to make an appointment to see him myself. Even though we are still working on saving up for IVF, our efforts to be healthier (and hope for a miracle) in the meantime have not stopped in our break from active treatment cycles.

Also, as much as I hate to mention it, I have noticed that financing or efforts have been such a huge theme in our journey...and my blog posts. I am hoping this will be the last time I bring it up for a long time because I hate talking about it and the only reason I do is because I know that others experience the same struggles. Treatment is a huge financial commitment when insurance doesn't cover it! I am cautiously optimistic that our prayers in the financial category have been answered. I say cautiously because I have been hopeful before, but it hasn't usually worked out according to plan.. This time, it seems more promising, but I know how the world works and I don't want to put all my eggs in one basket, so to speak. Anyway, DH received a job offer out of the blue about a month ago. He hadn't applied for this job and it involved working for a company that he had been with several years ago, but left his position shortly after we were married because at the time, it was kind of a dead-end job. In just over a month, he has been promoted to interim manager and as long as he doesn't disappoint the owner in the next couple of months (and I don't think he will), he will be promoted again to manager which will almost (but not quite) double our current household income. Although my income had been enough to support us while he has been in school, it certainly limited our ability to build our savings very quickly. This would allow us to pay off some bills that we had been slowly working on and will allow us to save twice as much as we had been. What does that mean??....that we can pay for IVF on our own! In my head, I still have this budget in my mind that would mean we'd continue to postpone IVF until December 2012/January 2013 because I don't want to wipe out our savings again, but it does mean that we have a much better financial picture right now which will really help in a lot of areas.

In other news, I can't remember if I mentioned this before or not (and I don't feel like checking my archived posts right now), but my sister is pregnant with baby #2. She got pregnant with this one without trying at the same time that I would have gotten pregnant had our last IUI cycle been successful. I am only mentioning her in this post because she is having a horrible time with this pregnancy. She was sick all the time with her first pregnancy, which is no surprise because she always had a weak stomach. This one not only has her physically sick (again), but she is having some major emotional issues as well. She hates to talk about it because it just makes her feel worse and she hates to talk to me about it because she knows my struggles and is totally sympathetic to the fact that I would do almost anything to get pregnant and haven't been that lucky. I really feel sorry that she is going through this and I support her as much as I can, but we don't talk about her pregnancy anymore because it is a sore subject for both of us. Instead we focus on my adorable niece who turned 1 a couple of months ago. She is so cute and really smart and amazing and wonderful, so she gives us lots of other things to talk about. I cannot wait to give her (and her future sibling) a cousin on their mom's side!

I will try to remember to update again soon...probably after I consult with the new doctor. Until then, I'm sending sticky baby dust to all of my friends and followers who need it.

It's been a while

Well, I realized that it has been too long...well over a month since my last blog posting, so I thought I should update. The 2ww ended and we got yet another BFN. I had a feeling that this was the result we'd get, but it certainly didn't make it any easier. So, we met with our RE and he said that everything looked so good, my hormone levels, my follicles, husband's swimmers, hormone levels post IUI. Both times, it looked good like this, so we should have had a positive result...unless the swimmers just aren't all that attracted to my eggs. At this point, our best option is IVF. I was ready to hear that, but what a huge let down! So many people can get pregnant without thinking about it. I never thought we'd have to struggle as much as this to get pregnant.

We are now on a break. We certainly will be over the moon if we get pregnant in the next few months, but we cannot afford IVF right now. We have gone back to the Amish herbalist that we went to a couple of years ago and have again been taking various herbs. It has been about a month and I haven't noticed any benefit yet. Last time I noticed right away, so I don't know what the deal is. We are supposed to go back soon, so I'm hoping the next month will bring more success.

I called RE the other day and explained that we are applying for some IVF grants. If we actually are awarded a grant, I cannot even describe how ecstatic I would be. That would take away so much stress and allow us to actually move forward with treatments. I think to receive a grant would be almost as emotionally moving as finally getting a BFP...which of course will likely happen with an IVF cycle.

We're still waiting...

Well, we have been pulling our hair out, anxious to test during the last half of the 2ww, so I tested a couple of days early (the minute my husband left the house that evening). I was hoping it would be positive and I planned out the best way to surprise him with the good news. Negative. My heart broke a little, but I reminded myself that it was technically too early, so on Super Bowl Sunday (end of the wait), I tested again. Negative. I knew it.

My husband and I had a rough morning. However, both of us admitted that we had known deep down that it wouldn't work this time. We also coped better with the devastation of yet another negative test. We agreed that we need to regroup (again). Our plan is to go back to the herbalist that we were going to a couple of years ago because he seemed to help quite a bit. We well stay on the herbs while we save money for IVF. We both agreed that after 2 failed IUIs, we just can't keep doing that, so it's time to try something else.

Called RE's office and the nurse told me she was sorry and to call back with AF arrived. Well, as I type this, her card is sitting on my desk in front of me and I cannot bring myself to pick up the phone and dial her number. AF arrived yesterday and is in full swing. I know she'll suggest that we sit down and consult with the doctor again about what we should do. I'm even thinking of maybe finding another RE to see. I have been really happy with the current one, but it may be cheaper to go somewhere else. I'll look into it later.

I've sort of fallen into a bit of a depression...not serious, but eerily similar to "my dark time," a period of time in my life that was ultimately a real turning point for me, but also could have ended very differently. I have lost my appetite, though am eating enough to get by. This actually isn't a bad thing because one of my other goals through all this has been to lose weight. Since stopping hormones, exercising more, and eating less, I'm down 10lbs already. As much as I hate that this was my motivator, it seems to be working for now. One thing I hate is that I have a constant knot in my throat, and thinking of food makes me feel angry and sick. I know this will pass, but I wish it didn't feel this way, especially because I feel like I have to hide it for fear that somebody might worry. I'm not hurting myself...just disappointed with myself.

My husband is more adamant now that we both need a change. He wants to move and we've talked about several options. We talked about cities in the area that we'd like to live in as well as the possibility of moving to a new state all together. It is stressful to think of uprooting ourselves, but at the same time, it is what we have both wanted for some time...we have just been waiting for the right time. It will still likely be months before we move, but this is the most seriously we have talked about it. We plan to take some trips this summer to see what other areas (states) have to offer.

I still wish we had good news of a pregnancy to report, but I guess it just isn't meant to happen right now. I hate waiting and wondering if it will ever happen for us. More than anything, I want to have a baby with my husband. I want to have the full pregnancy, birth and parenting experience. Why is that so much to ask?

IUI #2 Today

I have not been as good about blogging every appointment this cycle, so I should probably cover all my bases with what has happened with this cycle. To avoid making this post way too lengthy, I am opting to note events through bullet points. Otherwise, this would be the longest post ever! I will say that I have tried to stay more relaxed than the last cycle, despite being incredibly busy this month.

• December 27, 2011: AF was still MIA, so Provera started.
• Spotting for the last few days of Provera (called RE about it).
• January 5, 2012: CD 1
• January 6, 2012: Baseline u/s. Everything looked good.
• January 7, 2012: Menopur injections started.
• January 9, 2012: Gonal F injections started.
• January 13, 2012: CD 9 u/s. Scan looked good; es- 318.5, LH- 3.9, prog- 0.48.
• January 15, 2012: CD 11 u/s. Lots of follies; es- 1309, LH- 5.17, prog- 0.49.
• January 18, 2012: CD 14 u/s. Still lots of follies; es- 2103, LH- 2.47, prog- 0.54. (RE asked if we wanted to switch to IVF...not in the budget).
• January 20, 2012: CD 16 u/s. Fewer follies; es- 264.94, LH 0.66, prog- 0.74.
• January 22, 2012: IUI # 2 completed. The two week wait begins.

After the excitement of our first IUI only ended in yet another negative result, I decided to try a different attitude this time. We have kept this cycle much more low-key. A lot more people are aware of our efforts because we said something in our Christmas letter and my husband has been talking about it a little more with some of his friends and family, but I haven't given a play-by-play to anybody. I haven't even had to miss much work with this cycle.

This IUI was different than the first one. The plan was to back off on meds once my follies started looking good, so my body didn't go overboard like last time. Well...the same thing happened this time, but they took a different approach. Our last IUI was performed by RE's nurse who is the one we see for all of our appointments. However, since this one fell on a Sunday, RE did the procedure himself...at the office that is further from our house (1 1/2 hours versus 45 minutes). Because of this, my husband had to "collect" at the office, rather than at home. So, he did his thing and we went to breakfast, then returned to the office, so RE could do his thing. Now, I'm doing my thing...praying that those cute little swimmers that I saw on a tv screen this morning find their way to a healthy egg that I hope was released by one of my ovaries and that they decide to stay a while, say 9 months or so.