Just a quick update

It's been a month since my last post, so I thought I should at least throw out there that I'm still here. Still on a "break" from infertility treatments until we can afford it again...should be in another month or two. AF has been toying with me as usual...I acutally called my RE a couple of months ago for medication to get the ball rolling even though we weren't really "trying." However, the day before I was going to start the medication, low and behold...AF showed up. So, I saved my prescription and will use it later, as I'm sure I'll need it since it has now been 52 days since AF showed up and there has been no reappearance so far. Lovely. Anyway, just for fun, I decided to take a pregnancy test on Father's Day, thinking it would be the BEST gift ever for my husband, but as expected, it was negative.

I've been really trying to lose weight, though I'm not exercising NEARLY as much as I know I should. I'm doing okay with watching what I eat, though I'm not on any strict diets like I've done in the past, simply because I know I will not stick to anything long. Sometimes, I wish I had more will power for that stuff, but it's so hard for me to stick with a diet now that I cook for two (my husband and me). It was much easier to do the diet and exercise thing when I was single and had nothing better to do. However, I LOVE being married and wouldn't trade that for anything!

Money, money, money, money...

I hate thinking about money. I hate worrying about money. I generally don't have to worry about it too much...we have enough to get our bills paid and do fun stuff every once in a while. We do have some debt (student loans, and medical bills, mostly), but we are getting things taken care of. Unfortunately, my insurance does not cover any of my treatments for infertility, so all has been out of pocket so far. I have a little money left in my flex account and we're trying to build our savings back up so we can afford the next round of treatment without completely going broke.

I was sure that although we definitely needed a break from appointments and charting and medications, the break would be difficult. It actually hasn't been as bad as I feared. Sure, I still get a little sad when I walk by the baby stuff at the store, or feel mixed emotions when I get a new picture of my 6-week-old niece (my sis and I were TTC at the same time). However, the "time off" has allowed me to put my focus elsewhere. I can focus on work, cleaning my house, improving my physical health (exercising more!!!), and all those things that I had started to neglect a little more when my mind was on my female anatomy.

I hadn't even seen AF since February and finally decided to call my RE in April to get some Provera. Of course, the day after I picked up the prescription (before I actually started taking it), AF showed up. Until recently, I was always on a hormonal roller coaster. I feel like this break has been great because my body is starting to act more like the body I remember before all the hormone injections and pills. I don't feel "every little thing," and wonder....

Anyway, even though break time has been good for us, we got asked the dreaded question from some friends we hadn't seen in a couple of years..."When are you having kids?" I mean, my GOSH...it's been almost 6 years for crying out loud...how much time do we need before we start adding to our family??? So, because I'm not hormonal, I calmly and cooly said, "We will have kids someday, when we're ready. We have just been enjoying our time together. We can do anything we want, whenever we want and don't have to worry about a babysitter." This reminded me that I can't wait to start trying again. The plan is to hopefully have the money we need by August...September at the latest. Hopefully, the next round will be the magic one that finally results in a pregnancy.

This is it...double or nothing

What a roller coaster we've been on for the past couple of weeks! After discovering that I ovulated on day 20 of my last cycle, we were waiting to see whether things would progress. Our hope that it would be "the cycle" was squashed when AF arrived on day 29. So, I cried a lot (I'm sure this was mostly hormonal) and I called my RE's office to let them know that I needed to schedule another appointment, so we could start again. I hate making those calls.

But, the plan this cycle is to double my injections and we're hopeful that this will give us the boost we need to make things happen. I don't care if we end up with multiples, I just want to get pregnant! This is our last cycle. The meds for this cycle totaled just over $700 and had we not already gotten some of the meds we will hopefully use later this cycle, the total for just meds this cycle would have been $1000. We'll be spending between $500 and $800 on RE appointments this month (I'm hoping for $800 because that will mean the meds worked). It is February and we've already used up the rest of our Flex money for the year. Our savings has been depleted as well. We're out of money for IF treatment.

So, this is the cycle that HAS to work. If not, the plan is to take a break from the RE for a while, to rebuild our savings. We also plan to focus on getting some other things taken care of (bills and some weekends away) in the next few months as a way of "regroupng." We will probably restart some herbal treatments, so we aren't "wasting" any cycles. But, I'm hoping that none of this even needs to be considered because I want this to be "the cycle."

New Hope

It is funny that the things that run through my head during any given cycle seem to pop up as discussions when I visit my online support group. I may have never noticed it before, but suddenly when I think all hope is lost and I'm fighting a losing battle, someone mentions an idea that renews my hope. I love my support group!

As previously noted, my most recent ultrasound was more than a little disappointing. My ovaries/follicles are just being stubborn and not developing fast enough. Based on previous education about the growth rate, I figured out that if my follicles were to continue to develop at a normal pace, then I should theoretically ovulate sometime between days 19 and 22 of my cycle. This makes sense, as I seem to have long cycles. Last year, my OBGYN suggested I stop wasting my money on ovulation predictors (OPKs) because it is difficult to get a positive reading since I have only a small window when it would show up positive. When I started seeing my RE, he never said I should start using OPKs again, so I didn't...until now. I took a chance and used an OPK on day 20, just to see what it would read. The result was positive, which was great, though it is at least the 2nd time in the past year that I've had a positive OPK. Nevertheless, it renewed my hope that maybe we can get pregnant this cycle. My husband and I "danced" several times between days 19 and 22 and we'll find out in a couple of weeks if it worked. At this point, I'm certainly hoping for a postive pregnancy test, but I'm not getting my hopes up since we've had so many negatives. I am sending positive thoughts to my girl parts on a daily basis, so we'll see how it goes.

It looks like we have enough money for one more cycle of treatment, then we may have to take a break for a few months to rebuild our funds. I think that even if we take a break from the RE for a while, we'll start back up with alternative treatments, so we don't feel like those months are a complete waste. I hate the idea of taking a break at all, but this whole thing is so stressful anyway, so perhaps if we continue to have failed results, a break will be exactly what we need for a while...just to heal.

In any case, my husband and I have agreed that we need to get back on the bandwagon and work on eating healthier and exercising regularly again. I'm also trying to work on reducing my stress levels because they are starting to interfere with my memory and my productivity at work (again). I think we'll be back on track soon.

Not again

Well, I guess it wasn't meant to be this month, either. My follies just aren't mature enough. My husband and I both choked back tears as we got the news and it was a difficult drive home.

The rest of the day has not been a good one so far. I bawled at work between clients, and when my brother randomly called, I immediately started crying. It's going to be a long night.

So, I guess we start again next month. Maybe higher doses will do the trick. I just don't know how much more disappointment I can handle. The worst is that my husband is really struggling now, too. I hate to see him so sad!

I just keep wondering, "What did we do wrong? What could we have done better?" But, I don't think there are any good answers...it's just not meant to be right now. I just don't get it.

Waiting Game

Tomorrow is the big day...the day when we find out whether or not this round of medication actually helped. I imagine it is almost as bad as the 2 week wait after an IUI or IVF, but I wouldn't know. I just can't wait to find out whether or not my follies are growing...excited about the idea that they are, terrified that they are not.

I told myself I wouldn't blog about it until I knew what the outcome was, so I could either comment on my devastation, or note my excitement. I just couldn't wait. I have so much running through my mind in anticipation of tomorrow. I have been praying a lot more and asking for good test results.

This time, it feels different...not physically, but emotionally, I guess. I have learned not to trust my physical feelings, as my body likes to trick me. I do have occasional cramps in "the region" which make me wonder if it is just my ovaries doing their job for once. But, I have been deceived before, so I try to ignore it until I know for sure. Emotionally, I'm a mess. My hormones seem to be better in balance because I'm not a basket case right now, but I'm at the edge where I could go either way depending on what the circumstances are. This feels different too, because I really wanted this before, but with this cycle, I feel like we are making a more desperate attempt than ever before. I see it in my husband's eyes and I have even noticed in his behavior that he wants to make sure we do everything right this time.

So tomorrow, we find out our fate. Will we have to continue to endure the pain of knowing that I'm still broken, that my ovaries refuse to work properly, or will we be overjoyed at the possibility that this might be it...our first ACTUAL chance of getting pregnant???

Please let it be now!

The last few days have been a crazy mess for this Infertile-Myrtle. Just a week ago, I was looking forward to the change in medications that I was discussing with my doctors. My family doctor agreed to the extended release Metformin and raised my dosage back up to a level that might be more effective. So far, it has come with some side effects, but not nearly what I experienced with regular Metformin.

The same day I started this medication was my last day of Provera (unfortunately required because AF chose not to make an appearance without assistance). That night, I found myself in the ER with really high blood pressure and chest pains. Test results including lab work, ECG, chest x-ray, and CT scan revealed that I was just fine. My RE told me later that he is sure it was a reaction from my medication. Hopefully, we won't be going through that again!

AF arrived the morning after my ER visit. Baseline ultrasound was scheduled for yesterday and according to the magic ultrasound wand, my inside bits look good. Spent extra $$ to talk with my RE in person about switching from Clomid to Femara this cycle. He agreed. After I picked it up from the pharmacy, I decided that we will not make a habit of this because to costs almost 10x more than Clomid and our bank account can't handle that. In addition to Femara, we'll be doing Menopur injections.

My fingers are crossed that this cycle's efforts will actually produce some follicles. I remain convinced that if we can get some follicles, we can get pregnant with no problem (I hope, I hope, I hope...). More than anything, i want to get to our first IUI without having to cancel another one. If we make it that far, surely we can make a baby (or two).

So, I'm praying every day. I'm taking deep breaths, relaxing, getting plenty of sleep, and trying to stay organized in as many areas as possible. I am trying to focus on the positive and am hoping for a miracle...that my day 12 ultrasound shows some healthy, happy follicles that are looking to meet up with just the right sperm.