First wave is underway

I have been on birth control pills for two weeks and last weekend, I started Lupron injections. Once AF shows, my dose will be cut in half and I will begin my stimulation medication. Thanks to Lupron, I am now dealing with daily headaches, which are rather unpleasant and I've been a bit grumpy. I sure had forgotten just how nasty these medications are!

This makes me even more thankful that I will be off work quite a bit this month. In fact, this is the only full week that I will work for the next few weeks. I have at least 2 and sometimes three days off every week until May. Depending on how things are looking for our transfer, I'll likely take a day or two off at the beginning of May, too. We shall see how things look in the next couple of weeks.

I had made the decision not to talk to people about our IVF efforts this time because I don't want anyone to bring it up. I don't want to have to give them updates, or give them bad news and if I have good news to give at the end of this, I want to be able to decide when and how I tell them. I have a feeling that my husband has mentioned it to some of his family members because it is suddenly getting brought up by them and somehow they know exactly how much it is costing us. While I did tell him he could tell some people, I really wish he wouldn't have told his family...not yet at least.

I just hope that this roller coaster of a month flies by smoothly and quickly!

Let the countdown begin!

Sort of as expected, things aren't going quite as expected. Haha...why would they at this point? I started taking Provera last week to kick-start things and was due to finish my 10 day regimen today. However, after only 7 days, the crimson tide appeared. Day 1 was officially on Monday, so I called RE's office that afternoon and was told to start birth control pills on Wednesday...today. Looks like we're about a week ahead of schedule all around, which had me panicking a bit, I'll admit. I remember in January when we thought we were going to go through with IVF then (started birth control and set our calendar appointment), that I started freaking out. This time has proven to be no different. I really didn't appreciate enough how nice it was to NOT think about this stuff for almost a whole year. Immediately, we've jumped back into it and I am getting the reminder of a lifetime about how stressful this all is.

I am a lot healthier than I was one year ago. My blood pressure is normal, my weight is significantly less (as of this posting, I've lost 60 pounds). I am exercising more...though admittedly, not much lately. The last time I had blood work done, my results were normal for everything. I know exactly what to expect with this IVF thing. I have had plenty of time to research it, have done enough IUI cycles with the same protocol to know what it will be like. I am more ready than ever. However, I am a mess! I posted a journal note in my online support group about this and I feel a little better about it, but my mind is still playing stupid games with me.

This cycle marks a very expensive, uncertain effort for us to change our lives forever by hopefully being able to start a family after nearly 8 years of just being a couple with no kids. I want a family...we want a family. BUT...I hate feeling like I have to let go of the things I've been controlling over the past year in exchange for only a possibility, not a guarantee. I may be started to get a bit obsessed with my weight loss...I still have more to lose to put me at my goal weight which is within healthy limits, but currently I'm 5 pounds away from my original pre-IVF goal weight, so I'll be satisfied to at least get to that goal. Still, I hate that I'm still shy of the final goal, but I'll get there someday. I've got other things to do first.

The truth is, my brain has already hopped onto the infertility roller coaster again. It doesn't matter whether or not I'm taking meds right now...it's the process, the anticipation, the finances...all of it that puts this ride in motion. It guarantees to be full of ups, downs, twists, and turns and in all our previous experiences, it hasn't ended well. This time, it has to work. There is still no guarantee, but we really have done EVERYTHING we could this time to improve the odds. This would be the ultimate defeat for us if it doesn't result in a healthy pregnancy and it terrifies me to be reminded that even with improved odds, there is still a chance that it won't work. I just can't accept that.

So...as hard as it is, I am going to try my best to lose more weight in the next month before we get in full gear with appointments and medication again. After that, I'm going to try harder than ever to stay relaxed and pray for a miracle and we'll see how things go.

Delays ahead

This seems to be the story of my life these days. Everything was ready to go for IVF at the first of the year. I had been informed at the end of the year that my insurance was changing which promised to include fertility benefits, so everything was set for January.

AF made an appearance and I diligently called RE's office to get the ball rolling. I started my birth control and scheduled my calendar appointment, patiently counting down the days. A few days later, RE's office called to tell me that the insurance company was telling them that I did not have coverage for fertility treatment, so they asked me to follow up to make sure. Well, this turned into a big mess which resulted in cancelling the calendar appointment, stopping my birth control and putting everything on hold while we worked on sorting things out. I cannot even begin to describe the feelings of defeat and anger and disappointment that I felt through this ordeal. It took several weeks for me to even call my insurance company to investigate because I was so upset.

When I did finally get a difinitive response from my insurance company, the news wasn't good. While I do apparently have some fertility benefits, this doesn't include IUI or IVF. Lovely...that's what I needed coverage for. Without help from my insurance, we had to save a little more money before we could get back on track with our IVF plans.

Now it is the middle of March and we have been pinching pennies to save up the rest of what we need to fund this cycle. I was able to get most of my meds (the most expensive ones) at a significant discount and they are tucked away, ready to be used when needed. I started Povera earlier this week to make sure that AF doesn't decide to play any cruel jokes on me and I'm expecting to make the call to RE's office sometime next week. I roughly reviewed my calendar and am figuring that if things go according to plan (for once), IVF should happen at the very beginning of May.

I haven't really talked about things with DH lately. I don't want him to get his hopes up or have it on his mind constantly like I do, so when the calendar appointment gets scheduled, that's when I'll tell him that we're back on track. After this whole ordeal, I really don't think that I want to tell anyone (including work) this time. I have a ton of PTO time that I have to take before May, so after my calendar appointment, I will be able to schedule time off for all of my appointments and nobody will be aware that it is for any reason other than because I have to take off anyway.

Part of me actually wants to tell people that we're doing this again, but I want this to work so badly that I feel like we should keep it a secret for once. That way if and when we get good results, we can surprise everyone when and how we choose to share our news. If we don't get good results, we can screen who we share that news with as well and we don't have to tell them until we're emotionally ready to do so.

Hopefully, I can actually update more frequently in the coming weeks since things are starting to get moving again.

What Have I Been Doing?

No worries; I'm still here. I have been working hard over the past few months. I mentioned in my last blog entry that I had been using an app to help track my food intake and exercise habits and it was really working for me. I have lost 28 pounds since I started using the app and I'm still working on it. I had hoped to be down at least 30 pounds, but I hit a bit of a plateau for a few weeks, but the numbers on the scale have recently started dropping again.

I watch my total calorie intake every day and I make room as often as I can for "treadmill time" and other exercises to help melt away the yucky fat I have carried around for the past several years. At this point, I weigh less than I did when I started dating my now husband. Most of my clothes are too big and the clothes I had "outgrown" from my days as a single woman now fit again. I am 9 pounds away from my end-of-the-year goal. I don't know if I will make it by December 31, but I hope to be as close as possible. Once I reach that point, I plan to continue my weight loss with the ultimate goal of losing enough weight to feel like I am comfortably in the "normal" BMI range.

It is now December and if you had been keeping up with my blog, you would know that this was the month we were planning to start the IVF process...as long as things went "according to plan." When does that ever happen? In November, my employer sent out notification that our insurance provider would be changing January 1st. they promised that there would be no changes in coverage, BUT...it turns out that our new insurance offers some (very little) coverage for infertility. The previous insurance did not have any coverage, so this was a positive change. I had counted also on electing the full $5K of flex spending funds, but the government slashed that in half, so a lot went into our ultimate decision to postpone IVF until January. New year, new insurance, new start. So...we wait another month, but we are both hoping that all of our efforts over the past few months will prove fruitful and that we will be pregnant in 2013.

And so, I want to wish my blog-stalkers a wonderful holiday season. We plan to celebrate this holiday as if it will be our last without children and hopefully...this will indeed be the case. Expect more frequent blog updates once we start our IVF journey early in 2013.

Getting Ready

Yet again, it has been a little while since I last updated my blog, but I have been working hard since my last post. My new OBGYN encouraged me to see a dietitian to help me with my weight loss after I told her I was really struggling with it, but I dragged my feet about it and decided I knew what I needed to do, but needed some motivation to get started. So...instead of seeing the dietitian, I found an app for that and I LOVE it!!!

I have set a goal to lose approximately two pounds per week and in 30 days, I have now lost 11 pounds. I have never before had such success with a fitness plan as I am having with this app and it doesn't feel like a chore for me, which is really helping me maintain the motivation to keep going. I have several mini-goals that I have set for myself as well to help encourage me and to keep me on track with my bigger goal.

Even better...my weight loss is starting to be noticed by others. I see it myself on the scale, but I was talking to someone who hadn't seen me in a few months and they made a comment about it. It felt so great to confirm that I did indeed lose weight. My clothes are starting to be too big (which makes finding clothes for work a bit of a challenge), and I am finding that I can again comfortably wear some outfits that were just a bit too tight before I started losing weight. My husband even made the comment this afternoon that his arms fit around me better.

This weight loss is all part of the journey. I needed to lose weight before all this treatment stuff, but months of hormones being pumped into my body took a toll as well and I had really packed on the pounds over the past couple of years. I constantly remind myself of the friends I've had who (like me) struggled to get pregnant until they lost weight; then they got their miracles. I'd love to be in that club, so I'm going to do my best to get myself into a healthier weight category.

I have also followed up with my family doctor about my blood pressure. I actually had made an appointment to "check things out" since I hadn't been in for a while. I needed to get a new prescription for my Metformin anyway (I switched to Glumetza which I am sooo much happier with). As usual, my blood pressure was high on the day of  my appointment, so he told me to monitor it for a month and follow up. I did so diligently and was ashamed to show him just how high it is on a consistent basis. So now I'm on blood pressure medicine...the same one I was on several years ago. It is pregnancy-friendly in anticipation that our next official TTC efforts will prove successful. Within a day or two, my blood pressure has gone back down to acceptable levels. I'm glad it's normal, hate that I have to take a pill to make it normal, but like that the pill I'm on is safe for pregnancy and may even help me have a more normal pregnancy when I eventually DO get pregnant.

In the midst of all this, I was going through the IVF information packet that we got from our RE after our last failed IUI. I had a bunch of questions about various parts of it, so I called his nurse (I like her a lot because she is extremely nice and very helpful). She wasn't busy when I called and even if she didn't remember me immediately, I didn't notice because she acted like we had just recently talked (I hadn't actually talked to her since March). She answered all my questions and helped me come up with a timeline of when things would need to happen in preparation for our IVF. I told her we want to do it in January, so we'll be starting everything in December as long as all goes according to plan.

At this point, I feel like I can again look forward to restarting our efforts. I feel like these preparations (asking questions, planning, weight loss, managing other health issues, etc.) are going to make a huge difference in our efforts this time. I'm not simply "waiting" anymore; I'm doing something to help our chances.

Positive energy

That is what my new OBGYN has given me...positive energy. My appointment with her went very well. I felt comfortable with her and she and her nurse both recognized that I'm pretty knowledgeable about my own health and didn't treat me like an idiot. I told her about our struggles with infertility and our plans to do IVF in a few months and she was totally supportive. She suggested (as I figured she would) that I get to work on the weight loss thing to help improve my chances and possibly get my body working better on its own. She then was empathetic with me when I told her how much I have struggled with it lately and she suggested I see a dietitian to help give me extra support. I had thought about this before, but never took action. Overall, I felt great about my appointment...and I didn't have to sit in the waiting room forever before they called my name. The whole process went very smoothly.

My husband has been working for the past couple of months and is happy with his job, but was worried about the potential of having it be too stressful when they get busy this fall. He wasn't sure exactly what was expected of him and had decided he still wanted to finish school. So...we set up an appointment for him to work on getting back into school (he really needs support for a learning disorder that he has just been "dealing with" until now). He then talked to his boss about it and not only was his boss supportive of my husband finishing his degree, but he was able to clarify his expectations and gave him another raise. This was totally unexpected and really lifted our spirits even more.

We received a letter to notify us that we had not been selected to receive the IVF grant we applied for, but neither one of us was disappointed about it. Certainly, it would have been nice to have a cycle paid for by somebody else, but at this point, we almost have the money we need to pay for it ourselves and we feel that another couple is probably more in need than we are at this point.

I pray all the time and a lot of my prayers have been answered recently. My continued prayer is that all this positive energy that has been generated lately will continue, and that this will lead into my biggest prayer being answered...finally getting pregnant and having a family of our own.

Things are starting to look a little brighter

Once again, I had disappeared for a while, but I'm checking in again. In my last post, I noted that we were applying for some grants to help us fund further treatments. We applied for one grant (Embracing Hope) and at last check, they still hadn't awarded it yet, but I'm not all that optimistic that we will be the ones selected. There was another grant application due on June 1, and I let that deadline come and go without submitting an application. I thought about it and decided that we probably wouldn't get it because I didn't leave myself enough time to complete what would be a really good grant application. I know this all really sounds less than optimistic, but I think (and I hope) that God is opening some other doors for us.

We had gone back to herbal treatments which didn't seem to help as much this time, so I haven't really kept up with it. However, at work we are really putting more focus on holistic care and being able to provide our clients with a resource list of alternative treatments as well as offering some holistic services. In the midst of my research, I found an integrative medicine physician that is affiliated with our local hospital and arranged for my co-workers and I to meet with him. He has really renewed my energy at work and personally and I am planning to make an appointment to see him myself. Even though we are still working on saving up for IVF, our efforts to be healthier (and hope for a miracle) in the meantime have not stopped in our break from active treatment cycles.

Also, as much as I hate to mention it, I have noticed that financing or efforts have been such a huge theme in our journey...and my blog posts. I am hoping this will be the last time I bring it up for a long time because I hate talking about it and the only reason I do is because I know that others experience the same struggles. Treatment is a huge financial commitment when insurance doesn't cover it! I am cautiously optimistic that our prayers in the financial category have been answered. I say cautiously because I have been hopeful before, but it hasn't usually worked out according to plan.. This time, it seems more promising, but I know how the world works and I don't want to put all my eggs in one basket, so to speak. Anyway, DH received a job offer out of the blue about a month ago. He hadn't applied for this job and it involved working for a company that he had been with several years ago, but left his position shortly after we were married because at the time, it was kind of a dead-end job. In just over a month, he has been promoted to interim manager and as long as he doesn't disappoint the owner in the next couple of months (and I don't think he will), he will be promoted again to manager which will almost (but not quite) double our current household income. Although my income had been enough to support us while he has been in school, it certainly limited our ability to build our savings very quickly. This would allow us to pay off some bills that we had been slowly working on and will allow us to save twice as much as we had been. What does that mean??....that we can pay for IVF on our own! In my head, I still have this budget in my mind that would mean we'd continue to postpone IVF until December 2012/January 2013 because I don't want to wipe out our savings again, but it does mean that we have a much better financial picture right now which will really help in a lot of areas.

In other news, I can't remember if I mentioned this before or not (and I don't feel like checking my archived posts right now), but my sister is pregnant with baby #2. She got pregnant with this one without trying at the same time that I would have gotten pregnant had our last IUI cycle been successful. I am only mentioning her in this post because she is having a horrible time with this pregnancy. She was sick all the time with her first pregnancy, which is no surprise because she always had a weak stomach. This one not only has her physically sick (again), but she is having some major emotional issues as well. She hates to talk about it because it just makes her feel worse and she hates to talk to me about it because she knows my struggles and is totally sympathetic to the fact that I would do almost anything to get pregnant and haven't been that lucky. I really feel sorry that she is going through this and I support her as much as I can, but we don't talk about her pregnancy anymore because it is a sore subject for both of us. Instead we focus on my adorable niece who turned 1 a couple of months ago. She is so cute and really smart and amazing and wonderful, so she gives us lots of other things to talk about. I cannot wait to give her (and her future sibling) a cousin on their mom's side!

I will try to remember to update again soon...probably after I consult with the new doctor. Until then, I'm sending sticky baby dust to all of my friends and followers who need it.