Positive energy

That is what my new OBGYN has given me...positive energy. My appointment with her went very well. I felt comfortable with her and she and her nurse both recognized that I'm pretty knowledgeable about my own health and didn't treat me like an idiot. I told her about our struggles with infertility and our plans to do IVF in a few months and she was totally supportive. She suggested (as I figured she would) that I get to work on the weight loss thing to help improve my chances and possibly get my body working better on its own. She then was empathetic with me when I told her how much I have struggled with it lately and she suggested I see a dietitian to help give me extra support. I had thought about this before, but never took action. Overall, I felt great about my appointment...and I didn't have to sit in the waiting room forever before they called my name. The whole process went very smoothly.

My husband has been working for the past couple of months and is happy with his job, but was worried about the potential of having it be too stressful when they get busy this fall. He wasn't sure exactly what was expected of him and had decided he still wanted to finish school. So...we set up an appointment for him to work on getting back into school (he really needs support for a learning disorder that he has just been "dealing with" until now). He then talked to his boss about it and not only was his boss supportive of my husband finishing his degree, but he was able to clarify his expectations and gave him another raise. This was totally unexpected and really lifted our spirits even more.

We received a letter to notify us that we had not been selected to receive the IVF grant we applied for, but neither one of us was disappointed about it. Certainly, it would have been nice to have a cycle paid for by somebody else, but at this point, we almost have the money we need to pay for it ourselves and we feel that another couple is probably more in need than we are at this point.

I pray all the time and a lot of my prayers have been answered recently. My continued prayer is that all this positive energy that has been generated lately will continue, and that this will lead into my biggest prayer being answered...finally getting pregnant and having a family of our own.

Things are starting to look a little brighter

Once again, I had disappeared for a while, but I'm checking in again. In my last post, I noted that we were applying for some grants to help us fund further treatments. We applied for one grant (Embracing Hope) and at last check, they still hadn't awarded it yet, but I'm not all that optimistic that we will be the ones selected. There was another grant application due on June 1, and I let that deadline come and go without submitting an application. I thought about it and decided that we probably wouldn't get it because I didn't leave myself enough time to complete what would be a really good grant application. I know this all really sounds less than optimistic, but I think (and I hope) that God is opening some other doors for us.

We had gone back to herbal treatments which didn't seem to help as much this time, so I haven't really kept up with it. However, at work we are really putting more focus on holistic care and being able to provide our clients with a resource list of alternative treatments as well as offering some holistic services. In the midst of my research, I found an integrative medicine physician that is affiliated with our local hospital and arranged for my co-workers and I to meet with him. He has really renewed my energy at work and personally and I am planning to make an appointment to see him myself. Even though we are still working on saving up for IVF, our efforts to be healthier (and hope for a miracle) in the meantime have not stopped in our break from active treatment cycles.

Also, as much as I hate to mention it, I have noticed that financing or efforts have been such a huge theme in our journey...and my blog posts. I am hoping this will be the last time I bring it up for a long time because I hate talking about it and the only reason I do is because I know that others experience the same struggles. Treatment is a huge financial commitment when insurance doesn't cover it! I am cautiously optimistic that our prayers in the financial category have been answered. I say cautiously because I have been hopeful before, but it hasn't usually worked out according to plan.. This time, it seems more promising, but I know how the world works and I don't want to put all my eggs in one basket, so to speak. Anyway, DH received a job offer out of the blue about a month ago. He hadn't applied for this job and it involved working for a company that he had been with several years ago, but left his position shortly after we were married because at the time, it was kind of a dead-end job. In just over a month, he has been promoted to interim manager and as long as he doesn't disappoint the owner in the next couple of months (and I don't think he will), he will be promoted again to manager which will almost (but not quite) double our current household income. Although my income had been enough to support us while he has been in school, it certainly limited our ability to build our savings very quickly. This would allow us to pay off some bills that we had been slowly working on and will allow us to save twice as much as we had been. What does that mean??....that we can pay for IVF on our own! In my head, I still have this budget in my mind that would mean we'd continue to postpone IVF until December 2012/January 2013 because I don't want to wipe out our savings again, but it does mean that we have a much better financial picture right now which will really help in a lot of areas.

In other news, I can't remember if I mentioned this before or not (and I don't feel like checking my archived posts right now), but my sister is pregnant with baby #2. She got pregnant with this one without trying at the same time that I would have gotten pregnant had our last IUI cycle been successful. I am only mentioning her in this post because she is having a horrible time with this pregnancy. She was sick all the time with her first pregnancy, which is no surprise because she always had a weak stomach. This one not only has her physically sick (again), but she is having some major emotional issues as well. She hates to talk about it because it just makes her feel worse and she hates to talk to me about it because she knows my struggles and is totally sympathetic to the fact that I would do almost anything to get pregnant and haven't been that lucky. I really feel sorry that she is going through this and I support her as much as I can, but we don't talk about her pregnancy anymore because it is a sore subject for both of us. Instead we focus on my adorable niece who turned 1 a couple of months ago. She is so cute and really smart and amazing and wonderful, so she gives us lots of other things to talk about. I cannot wait to give her (and her future sibling) a cousin on their mom's side!

I will try to remember to update again soon...probably after I consult with the new doctor. Until then, I'm sending sticky baby dust to all of my friends and followers who need it.

It's been a while

Well, I realized that it has been too long...well over a month since my last blog posting, so I thought I should update. The 2ww ended and we got yet another BFN. I had a feeling that this was the result we'd get, but it certainly didn't make it any easier. So, we met with our RE and he said that everything looked so good, my hormone levels, my follicles, husband's swimmers, hormone levels post IUI. Both times, it looked good like this, so we should have had a positive result...unless the swimmers just aren't all that attracted to my eggs. At this point, our best option is IVF. I was ready to hear that, but what a huge let down! So many people can get pregnant without thinking about it. I never thought we'd have to struggle as much as this to get pregnant.

We are now on a break. We certainly will be over the moon if we get pregnant in the next few months, but we cannot afford IVF right now. We have gone back to the Amish herbalist that we went to a couple of years ago and have again been taking various herbs. It has been about a month and I haven't noticed any benefit yet. Last time I noticed right away, so I don't know what the deal is. We are supposed to go back soon, so I'm hoping the next month will bring more success.

I called RE the other day and explained that we are applying for some IVF grants. If we actually are awarded a grant, I cannot even describe how ecstatic I would be. That would take away so much stress and allow us to actually move forward with treatments. I think to receive a grant would be almost as emotionally moving as finally getting a BFP...which of course will likely happen with an IVF cycle.

We're still waiting...

Well, we have been pulling our hair out, anxious to test during the last half of the 2ww, so I tested a couple of days early (the minute my husband left the house that evening). I was hoping it would be positive and I planned out the best way to surprise him with the good news. Negative. My heart broke a little, but I reminded myself that it was technically too early, so on Super Bowl Sunday (end of the wait), I tested again. Negative. I knew it.

My husband and I had a rough morning. However, both of us admitted that we had known deep down that it wouldn't work this time. We also coped better with the devastation of yet another negative test. We agreed that we need to regroup (again). Our plan is to go back to the herbalist that we were going to a couple of years ago because he seemed to help quite a bit. We well stay on the herbs while we save money for IVF. We both agreed that after 2 failed IUIs, we just can't keep doing that, so it's time to try something else.

Called RE's office and the nurse told me she was sorry and to call back with AF arrived. Well, as I type this, her card is sitting on my desk in front of me and I cannot bring myself to pick up the phone and dial her number. AF arrived yesterday and is in full swing. I know she'll suggest that we sit down and consult with the doctor again about what we should do. I'm even thinking of maybe finding another RE to see. I have been really happy with the current one, but it may be cheaper to go somewhere else. I'll look into it later.

I've sort of fallen into a bit of a depression...not serious, but eerily similar to "my dark time," a period of time in my life that was ultimately a real turning point for me, but also could have ended very differently. I have lost my appetite, though am eating enough to get by. This actually isn't a bad thing because one of my other goals through all this has been to lose weight. Since stopping hormones, exercising more, and eating less, I'm down 10lbs already. As much as I hate that this was my motivator, it seems to be working for now. One thing I hate is that I have a constant knot in my throat, and thinking of food makes me feel angry and sick. I know this will pass, but I wish it didn't feel this way, especially because I feel like I have to hide it for fear that somebody might worry. I'm not hurting myself...just disappointed with myself.

My husband is more adamant now that we both need a change. He wants to move and we've talked about several options. We talked about cities in the area that we'd like to live in as well as the possibility of moving to a new state all together. It is stressful to think of uprooting ourselves, but at the same time, it is what we have both wanted for some time...we have just been waiting for the right time. It will still likely be months before we move, but this is the most seriously we have talked about it. We plan to take some trips this summer to see what other areas (states) have to offer.

I still wish we had good news of a pregnancy to report, but I guess it just isn't meant to happen right now. I hate waiting and wondering if it will ever happen for us. More than anything, I want to have a baby with my husband. I want to have the full pregnancy, birth and parenting experience. Why is that so much to ask?

IUI #2 Today

I have not been as good about blogging every appointment this cycle, so I should probably cover all my bases with what has happened with this cycle. To avoid making this post way too lengthy, I am opting to note events through bullet points. Otherwise, this would be the longest post ever! I will say that I have tried to stay more relaxed than the last cycle, despite being incredibly busy this month.

• December 27, 2011: AF was still MIA, so Provera started.
• Spotting for the last few days of Provera (called RE about it).
• January 5, 2012: CD 1
• January 6, 2012: Baseline u/s. Everything looked good.
• January 7, 2012: Menopur injections started.
• January 9, 2012: Gonal F injections started.
• January 13, 2012: CD 9 u/s. Scan looked good; es- 318.5, LH- 3.9, prog- 0.48.
• January 15, 2012: CD 11 u/s. Lots of follies; es- 1309, LH- 5.17, prog- 0.49.
• January 18, 2012: CD 14 u/s. Still lots of follies; es- 2103, LH- 2.47, prog- 0.54. (RE asked if we wanted to switch to IVF...not in the budget).
• January 20, 2012: CD 16 u/s. Fewer follies; es- 264.94, LH 0.66, prog- 0.74.
• January 22, 2012: IUI # 2 completed. The two week wait begins.

After the excitement of our first IUI only ended in yet another negative result, I decided to try a different attitude this time. We have kept this cycle much more low-key. A lot more people are aware of our efforts because we said something in our Christmas letter and my husband has been talking about it a little more with some of his friends and family, but I haven't given a play-by-play to anybody. I haven't even had to miss much work with this cycle.

This IUI was different than the first one. The plan was to back off on meds once my follies started looking good, so my body didn't go overboard like last time. Well...the same thing happened this time, but they took a different approach. Our last IUI was performed by RE's nurse who is the one we see for all of our appointments. However, since this one fell on a Sunday, RE did the procedure himself...at the office that is further from our house (1 1/2 hours versus 45 minutes). Because of this, my husband had to "collect" at the office, rather than at home. So, he did his thing and we went to breakfast, then returned to the office, so RE could do his thing. Now, I'm doing my thing...praying that those cute little swimmers that I saw on a tv screen this morning find their way to a healthy egg that I hope was released by one of my ovaries and that they decide to stay a while, say 9 months or so.

Fresh start

Another year has ended and a new one has begun. With the new year in full swing, so too are our efforts to expand our family. January 1 meant that we have more flex money to spend, so we opted to go ahead with our next (and hopefully last) IUI attempt. I had my baseline appointment on January 6th with my next ultrasound scheduled on the 13th. I don't know what is wrong with me this time around, but I have a completely different attitude about this cycle. Previously, I couldn't wait to talk to my sister about it (she has been my confidant though all of this...other than my husband of course) and I was more than willing to talk about it with others if they asked. Currently, I don't want to talk about it, which is crazy because we made the decision to tell everybody at Christmas about our efforts, so more people have started asking about it. My husband has really appreciated talking about it with more people, but I haven't. I just want to hurry up and go through the motions of all of this and get it over with. I of course want a positive result, but I am not feeling that emotional roller coaster that I usually have of "I can't wait...I hope it works...it better work." I'm just numb. I think it is that we have been unsuccessful so many times that I just can't take any more devastation. I am soooo hoping to get excited and that we get a positive result, so I will have good news to share for once.

As usual, my baseline appointment went well. My numbers were okay and I've started my injections. Friday will be here before I know it and we'll see how well my body is working, but I'm expecting things to look just fine. AF hasn't been all that disagreeable this time. Just some cramping and bloating, but otherwise tolerable. The plan for this cycle is basically the same as last time. The only difference will be that rather than freaking out and increasing my injections if I am slow to stim, they are starting on a higher dose earlier and will then back off the dose even if I have a slow stim (which I always do). The hope is that I won't hyperstimulate like I did last time. The goal is to have only 1-4 great follicles rather than 9 good ones. Everything else went fine last time, but for some reason, my husband's swimmers and my eggies either didn't meet up or decided not to stick around. When it comes to that part of our cycle, I will do anything I can to encourage that part of this cycle to happen. We really need this one to have a positive result.

If for some reason this doesn't work, my husband announced the other day that he is ready for us look into to moving out of state. We are tossing some ideas around, but I believe that if more treament is needed, we just might move to Maryland, because then we could get insurance that would cover future treatments (and it is a state we were already considering moving to). That would be SWEET. Of course, the sweeter option would be for this cycle to work.

What's next...

The devastation of our failed IUI last month was quite a lot to handle. My husband and I have both been struggling with the stress of this as well as several other stressors in our life and decided that no matter what is next for us, we need another break. We made a deal that we need to wait until after the holidays are over before we get back on the treatment bandwagon. In the meantime, we need to focus on taking care of some other things (again).

Today, we met with RE to discuss just what our next step is going to be. I have pretty much been preparing myself to hear him say we were going to move directly to IVF. I was ready to face this and trying to figure out how we were going to pay for it and when we could potentially be able to pull it off. So, we walked in and he said that after going over my chart, especially at the most recent cycle, he remains confident that and IUI still may work. Last cycle, we agreed, was crazy. At first, I didn't respond much at all to meds, then when they increased the dose, I responded too well and nearly overstimulated, so they stopped the meds completely and at the last minute (when my estrogen level went back down dramatically), they decided to go ahead with the IUI, doing 1/2 a trigger shot. My progesterone looked great, so we expected it to work. RE thinks that since we now know better what it will take for me to respond to stims, we can do a much better job of getting an acceptable number of mature follicles without over stimulation and we can do a full-strength trigger shot. All in all, the idea is that next time will be better controlled and hopefully more successful.

We did talk about doing IVF and he agreed that we could certainly skip straight to this, but he feels that IUI should work and recommended we give it another shot. DH and I agreed that this is what we want...we would be able to start our next IUI cycle right after the holidays instead of having to wait longer. AND...we don't have to do a cycle of birth control first since I responded so badly to it the last time. The other nice thing is...RE didn't charge us for today's appointment!

Now, I am working on the list of things I want to get done in the next month or so before we start another IUI cycle. My hope is renewed just in time for the holidays that the next cycle will be the one, so I want to do everything I can to make this one work.