Defeated

I honestly expected this post to be a happy one...one that would give the news that we finally had a positive test. Even my RE was expecting us to have a good result. However, at 4:22 a.m. when I couldn't stand it any longer, I trotted into the bathroom to take a test. I acutally took two tests (two different brands). I thought about jumping in the shower, or going back to bed and just waiting to see the result later, but I couldn't wait. First one revealed one line only...not even the hint of a positive test. Second one followed with the same result. I was immediately numb. I didn't know what to think, say, or do. It felt like somebody sat right down on my chest and started choking me. I was pretty numb most of the morning. My husband asked me when I crawled back in bed, what the result was and he almost didn't believe me when I told him. "Are you serious?" was his first response. I had left the proof on the counter in the bathroom for him to see for himself. He hugged me and told me he was sorry, we cuddled for a while, then I think out of pure exhaustion (he didn't sleep well), he fell asleep.

I felt like a zombie, just going through the motions of my morning. I went to work, isolated myself in my office, and got a lot of work done...business as usual. But the more it started to sink in that everything had gone so well this time, and yet we still had a negative result, the more I stated to lose it.
By 10:20 a.m., I couldn't stop crying. I couldn't even walk to the front office to tell my receptionist to cancel the rest of my day...I just called her, then started crying again over the phone (fortunately, she knew what was going on). I emailed my boss and told her I was headed out for the rest of the day, turned off my lights and computer, and nearly ran down the hall and out the door, so I wouldn't have to see or talk to anybody.

RE finally called me back (I had called as soon as the office opened, but she was with a patient and didn't get a chance to call me back until almost 10:30. She told me to take another test in a week if I don't see AF before that. If the next test is also negative, or if AF shows, I need to call her back and we'll schedule an appointment to talk about what the next step will be for us. The only glimmer of hope we have is that next week could still give us a positive test (maybe we tested too early)...that would be so incredibly AMAZING!

I arrived home to find my husband in his chair, playing a game. He clearly looked sad (very unlike him) and gave me a hug when he saw me with my red, puffy eyes and tears running down my face. He held me for a long time and kept saying how sorry he was. We're currently sitting in the living room; he's in his chair, and I'm on the couch. Neither one of us looks like our normal, happy selves and neither one is saying much other than an occasional "I love you." I so much was hoping that today would be a beautiful, wonderful, incredible, amazing day of celebration for us, rather than this day of devastating defeat.

So, I'm praying for a miracle...the much needed blessing of a positive test next week. I'm hoping I can make it through today, then tomorrow, all the way through the next seven days and that this feeling I have will go away and I'll feel better.