New Hope

It is funny that the things that run through my head during any given cycle seem to pop up as discussions when I visit my online support group. I may have never noticed it before, but suddenly when I think all hope is lost and I'm fighting a losing battle, someone mentions an idea that renews my hope. I love my support group!

As previously noted, my most recent ultrasound was more than a little disappointing. My ovaries/follicles are just being stubborn and not developing fast enough. Based on previous education about the growth rate, I figured out that if my follicles were to continue to develop at a normal pace, then I should theoretically ovulate sometime between days 19 and 22 of my cycle. This makes sense, as I seem to have long cycles. Last year, my OBGYN suggested I stop wasting my money on ovulation predictors (OPKs) because it is difficult to get a positive reading since I have only a small window when it would show up positive. When I started seeing my RE, he never said I should start using OPKs again, so I didn't...until now. I took a chance and used an OPK on day 20, just to see what it would read. The result was positive, which was great, though it is at least the 2nd time in the past year that I've had a positive OPK. Nevertheless, it renewed my hope that maybe we can get pregnant this cycle. My husband and I "danced" several times between days 19 and 22 and we'll find out in a couple of weeks if it worked. At this point, I'm certainly hoping for a postive pregnancy test, but I'm not getting my hopes up since we've had so many negatives. I am sending positive thoughts to my girl parts on a daily basis, so we'll see how it goes.

It looks like we have enough money for one more cycle of treatment, then we may have to take a break for a few months to rebuild our funds. I think that even if we take a break from the RE for a while, we'll start back up with alternative treatments, so we don't feel like those months are a complete waste. I hate the idea of taking a break at all, but this whole thing is so stressful anyway, so perhaps if we continue to have failed results, a break will be exactly what we need for a while...just to heal.

In any case, my husband and I have agreed that we need to get back on the bandwagon and work on eating healthier and exercising regularly again. I'm also trying to work on reducing my stress levels because they are starting to interfere with my memory and my productivity at work (again). I think we'll be back on track soon.

Not again

Well, I guess it wasn't meant to be this month, either. My follies just aren't mature enough. My husband and I both choked back tears as we got the news and it was a difficult drive home.

The rest of the day has not been a good one so far. I bawled at work between clients, and when my brother randomly called, I immediately started crying. It's going to be a long night.

So, I guess we start again next month. Maybe higher doses will do the trick. I just don't know how much more disappointment I can handle. The worst is that my husband is really struggling now, too. I hate to see him so sad!

I just keep wondering, "What did we do wrong? What could we have done better?" But, I don't think there are any good answers...it's just not meant to be right now. I just don't get it.

Waiting Game

Tomorrow is the big day...the day when we find out whether or not this round of medication actually helped. I imagine it is almost as bad as the 2 week wait after an IUI or IVF, but I wouldn't know. I just can't wait to find out whether or not my follies are growing...excited about the idea that they are, terrified that they are not.

I told myself I wouldn't blog about it until I knew what the outcome was, so I could either comment on my devastation, or note my excitement. I just couldn't wait. I have so much running through my mind in anticipation of tomorrow. I have been praying a lot more and asking for good test results.

This time, it feels different...not physically, but emotionally, I guess. I have learned not to trust my physical feelings, as my body likes to trick me. I do have occasional cramps in "the region" which make me wonder if it is just my ovaries doing their job for once. But, I have been deceived before, so I try to ignore it until I know for sure. Emotionally, I'm a mess. My hormones seem to be better in balance because I'm not a basket case right now, but I'm at the edge where I could go either way depending on what the circumstances are. This feels different too, because I really wanted this before, but with this cycle, I feel like we are making a more desperate attempt than ever before. I see it in my husband's eyes and I have even noticed in his behavior that he wants to make sure we do everything right this time.

So tomorrow, we find out our fate. Will we have to continue to endure the pain of knowing that I'm still broken, that my ovaries refuse to work properly, or will we be overjoyed at the possibility that this might be it...our first ACTUAL chance of getting pregnant???

Please let it be now!

The last few days have been a crazy mess for this Infertile-Myrtle. Just a week ago, I was looking forward to the change in medications that I was discussing with my doctors. My family doctor agreed to the extended release Metformin and raised my dosage back up to a level that might be more effective. So far, it has come with some side effects, but not nearly what I experienced with regular Metformin.

The same day I started this medication was my last day of Provera (unfortunately required because AF chose not to make an appearance without assistance). That night, I found myself in the ER with really high blood pressure and chest pains. Test results including lab work, ECG, chest x-ray, and CT scan revealed that I was just fine. My RE told me later that he is sure it was a reaction from my medication. Hopefully, we won't be going through that again!

AF arrived the morning after my ER visit. Baseline ultrasound was scheduled for yesterday and according to the magic ultrasound wand, my inside bits look good. Spent extra $$ to talk with my RE in person about switching from Clomid to Femara this cycle. He agreed. After I picked it up from the pharmacy, I decided that we will not make a habit of this because to costs almost 10x more than Clomid and our bank account can't handle that. In addition to Femara, we'll be doing Menopur injections.

My fingers are crossed that this cycle's efforts will actually produce some follicles. I remain convinced that if we can get some follicles, we can get pregnant with no problem (I hope, I hope, I hope...). More than anything, i want to get to our first IUI without having to cancel another one. If we make it that far, surely we can make a baby (or two).

So, I'm praying every day. I'm taking deep breaths, relaxing, getting plenty of sleep, and trying to stay organized in as many areas as possible. I am trying to focus on the positive and am hoping for a miracle...that my day 12 ultrasound shows some healthy, happy follicles that are looking to meet up with just the right sperm.

Feeling better in the New Year

I bought this book for my husband after he admitted that he has been really feeling down about our continued struggles with infertility. He also was completely lost when he went with me to RE appointments...it was all foreign to him. So, he started reading this last week and LOVES it. It has really helped him understand infertility and it's fun to read which makes it even better.

AF never showed up, so after a BFN confirmed that there was nothing left to hope for this past cycle, I started Provera again. AF should show up sometime next week. From here, we're doing another combo cycle. The nurse told me that we'd be using a different injectable medication and I emailed my RE to see if he'd be willing to change my Clomid as well to Femara which looks like it might possibly work better for me. We'll see what he thinks, though.

It seems like more than ever, I really want this cycle to be the one for us to at least do our first IUI. So far, we've had three cancelled IUIs because my ovaries just haven't been working. I still think that if I ovulated even once and we were able to do an IUI, we'd get pregnant with no problem. No problem...that would be nice.

I have been putting off finding a new OBGYN for months. I don't really need one until I actually get pregnant (though, I'm probably due for a pap smear pretty soon), but it had been weighing on my mind. I had some time to kill at work last week and was able to find what looks like an awesome practice! All of the staff are female...they have a couple of OBGYNs and a couple of nurse practitioners. It is about 45 minutes away, but I refused to see anybody local because when I do get pregnant, I don't want to deliver at any of the hospitals in my area. The practice I found is one I had actually looked at once before, but I never got around to making an appointment. In doing a little research last week, I discovered that the doctors there have privileges at two hospitals...one of which sounds exactly like the kind of hospital I want to go to. That settled it...I'm going there!

Thanks to the New Year, we have a fresh supply of funds to pay for treatment, so we have been working on paying off some other bills. My husband traded in his old truck for one that he is in love with. That's one thing marked off our list for the year. I think we might finally be able to get all of our medical bills paid off completely this year. There are a couple that we've been making payments on forever. It'll be so nice to get rid of them! Im feeling pretty positive so far this year that we'll be in better shape financially which is really helping my stress levels go down.

Another negative

Well, AF hasn't come yet, so I decided to go ahead and take a test. Big surprise...negative. I wasn't expecting anything else really because I didn't "feel" pregnant and the last ultrasound hadn't been promising. Still, I was wishing for a Christmas miracle. At least I'll be able to sip some bubbly on New Year's Eve if I want.

My DH has been talking a lot more with me about all this infertility stuff. It's like he has really come out of his shell in the past few weeks about it. On the one hand, it sucks that we are going through this, but on the other, it is nice to know that we're in it together and going through the same emotions. For a while, I thought I was the one carrying the bulk of the emotional burden, but he has admitted that it has affected him as well. No blame is being thrown, but we are together in our hoping and wishing and we are talking about it more openly now. In fact, I even got him the book, "How To Make Love to a Plastic Cup," which is a book for men about infertility. My DH isn't much of a reader, so I hesitated to get it for him, but he actually said he was looking forward to reading it. I hope it helps him better understand all the jargon that gets thrown out when I talk to my nurse. I have done tons of research to stay informed about everything, but he doesn't really know what is going on, so he just shows up to the appointments and follows along with what is said, then asks questions when we get to the car.

January 1 brings a new year and new hope to us. We are using my FSA this year to pay for at least some of our fertility expenses and hoping that we don't run out before we get pregnant.  We also have a few other goals for 2011 including getting my DH another vehicle before his truck dies, paying off some bills (what else is new?), and losing weight (again).

No IUI this time, but hoping for change in the New Year

I realize I haven't updated in a while, so I thought I'd go ahead and get it over with while I'm thinking about it.  At Thanksgiving, I started my first combination round of treatment. That meant that in addition to the Clomid, Estrace, and Metformin I've been taking, I also did Gonal F injections. Ultrasound day came and I didn't get my hopes up at all. As usual, it was easy to see that the meds still aren't working. My ovaries are still not working.

My nurse was super-nice this time and started telling me about all these success stories of former patients who had been struggling like me to get pregnant and just out of the blue, were calling to report they were pregnant. It lifted my spirits a bit and she told me that next round, we'll try Menopur instead to see if I will react to that. I have been asking around and it sounds like it works for a lot of people, so hopefully it will do the trick for me. I am supposed to test after Christmas just to see if I will fall into that group of random success stories, but I don't feel any different at the moment, so I'm sure I'm not pregnant. The day I get a positive pregnancy test, I'll probably fall on the floor in disbelief.

AF has been pretty regular for me since we jump-started it back in September. Hopefully, it will be more of the same this time. I'm really thinking that we'll probably take this next cycle off because I want to focus on the holidays, rather than worry about the cost of ultrasounds and medications. When the new year starts, my flex money starts over and we'll be able to save more money to pay for all this.