We're still waiting...

Well, we have been pulling our hair out, anxious to test during the last half of the 2ww, so I tested a couple of days early (the minute my husband left the house that evening). I was hoping it would be positive and I planned out the best way to surprise him with the good news. Negative. My heart broke a little, but I reminded myself that it was technically too early, so on Super Bowl Sunday (end of the wait), I tested again. Negative. I knew it.

My husband and I had a rough morning. However, both of us admitted that we had known deep down that it wouldn't work this time. We also coped better with the devastation of yet another negative test. We agreed that we need to regroup (again). Our plan is to go back to the herbalist that we were going to a couple of years ago because he seemed to help quite a bit. We well stay on the herbs while we save money for IVF. We both agreed that after 2 failed IUIs, we just can't keep doing that, so it's time to try something else.

Called RE's office and the nurse told me she was sorry and to call back with AF arrived. Well, as I type this, her card is sitting on my desk in front of me and I cannot bring myself to pick up the phone and dial her number. AF arrived yesterday and is in full swing. I know she'll suggest that we sit down and consult with the doctor again about what we should do. I'm even thinking of maybe finding another RE to see. I have been really happy with the current one, but it may be cheaper to go somewhere else. I'll look into it later.

I've sort of fallen into a bit of a depression...not serious, but eerily similar to "my dark time," a period of time in my life that was ultimately a real turning point for me, but also could have ended very differently. I have lost my appetite, though am eating enough to get by. This actually isn't a bad thing because one of my other goals through all this has been to lose weight. Since stopping hormones, exercising more, and eating less, I'm down 10lbs already. As much as I hate that this was my motivator, it seems to be working for now. One thing I hate is that I have a constant knot in my throat, and thinking of food makes me feel angry and sick. I know this will pass, but I wish it didn't feel this way, especially because I feel like I have to hide it for fear that somebody might worry. I'm not hurting myself...just disappointed with myself.

My husband is more adamant now that we both need a change. He wants to move and we've talked about several options. We talked about cities in the area that we'd like to live in as well as the possibility of moving to a new state all together. It is stressful to think of uprooting ourselves, but at the same time, it is what we have both wanted for some time...we have just been waiting for the right time. It will still likely be months before we move, but this is the most seriously we have talked about it. We plan to take some trips this summer to see what other areas (states) have to offer.

I still wish we had good news of a pregnancy to report, but I guess it just isn't meant to happen right now. I hate waiting and wondering if it will ever happen for us. More than anything, I want to have a baby with my husband. I want to have the full pregnancy, birth and parenting experience. Why is that so much to ask?

IUI #2 Today

I have not been as good about blogging every appointment this cycle, so I should probably cover all my bases with what has happened with this cycle. To avoid making this post way too lengthy, I am opting to note events through bullet points. Otherwise, this would be the longest post ever! I will say that I have tried to stay more relaxed than the last cycle, despite being incredibly busy this month.

• December 27, 2011: AF was still MIA, so Provera started.
• Spotting for the last few days of Provera (called RE about it).
• January 5, 2012: CD 1
• January 6, 2012: Baseline u/s. Everything looked good.
• January 7, 2012: Menopur injections started.
• January 9, 2012: Gonal F injections started.
• January 13, 2012: CD 9 u/s. Scan looked good; es- 318.5, LH- 3.9, prog- 0.48.
• January 15, 2012: CD 11 u/s. Lots of follies; es- 1309, LH- 5.17, prog- 0.49.
• January 18, 2012: CD 14 u/s. Still lots of follies; es- 2103, LH- 2.47, prog- 0.54. (RE asked if we wanted to switch to IVF...not in the budget).
• January 20, 2012: CD 16 u/s. Fewer follies; es- 264.94, LH 0.66, prog- 0.74.
• January 22, 2012: IUI # 2 completed. The two week wait begins.

After the excitement of our first IUI only ended in yet another negative result, I decided to try a different attitude this time. We have kept this cycle much more low-key. A lot more people are aware of our efforts because we said something in our Christmas letter and my husband has been talking about it a little more with some of his friends and family, but I haven't given a play-by-play to anybody. I haven't even had to miss much work with this cycle.

This IUI was different than the first one. The plan was to back off on meds once my follies started looking good, so my body didn't go overboard like last time. Well...the same thing happened this time, but they took a different approach. Our last IUI was performed by RE's nurse who is the one we see for all of our appointments. However, since this one fell on a Sunday, RE did the procedure himself...at the office that is further from our house (1 1/2 hours versus 45 minutes). Because of this, my husband had to "collect" at the office, rather than at home. So, he did his thing and we went to breakfast, then returned to the office, so RE could do his thing. Now, I'm doing my thing...praying that those cute little swimmers that I saw on a tv screen this morning find their way to a healthy egg that I hope was released by one of my ovaries and that they decide to stay a while, say 9 months or so.

Fresh start

Another year has ended and a new one has begun. With the new year in full swing, so too are our efforts to expand our family. January 1 meant that we have more flex money to spend, so we opted to go ahead with our next (and hopefully last) IUI attempt. I had my baseline appointment on January 6th with my next ultrasound scheduled on the 13th. I don't know what is wrong with me this time around, but I have a completely different attitude about this cycle. Previously, I couldn't wait to talk to my sister about it (she has been my confidant though all of this...other than my husband of course) and I was more than willing to talk about it with others if they asked. Currently, I don't want to talk about it, which is crazy because we made the decision to tell everybody at Christmas about our efforts, so more people have started asking about it. My husband has really appreciated talking about it with more people, but I haven't. I just want to hurry up and go through the motions of all of this and get it over with. I of course want a positive result, but I am not feeling that emotional roller coaster that I usually have of "I can't wait...I hope it works...it better work." I'm just numb. I think it is that we have been unsuccessful so many times that I just can't take any more devastation. I am soooo hoping to get excited and that we get a positive result, so I will have good news to share for once.

As usual, my baseline appointment went well. My numbers were okay and I've started my injections. Friday will be here before I know it and we'll see how well my body is working, but I'm expecting things to look just fine. AF hasn't been all that disagreeable this time. Just some cramping and bloating, but otherwise tolerable. The plan for this cycle is basically the same as last time. The only difference will be that rather than freaking out and increasing my injections if I am slow to stim, they are starting on a higher dose earlier and will then back off the dose even if I have a slow stim (which I always do). The hope is that I won't hyperstimulate like I did last time. The goal is to have only 1-4 great follicles rather than 9 good ones. Everything else went fine last time, but for some reason, my husband's swimmers and my eggies either didn't meet up or decided not to stick around. When it comes to that part of our cycle, I will do anything I can to encourage that part of this cycle to happen. We really need this one to have a positive result.

If for some reason this doesn't work, my husband announced the other day that he is ready for us look into to moving out of state. We are tossing some ideas around, but I believe that if more treament is needed, we just might move to Maryland, because then we could get insurance that would cover future treatments (and it is a state we were already considering moving to). That would be SWEET. Of course, the sweeter option would be for this cycle to work.

What's next...

The devastation of our failed IUI last month was quite a lot to handle. My husband and I have both been struggling with the stress of this as well as several other stressors in our life and decided that no matter what is next for us, we need another break. We made a deal that we need to wait until after the holidays are over before we get back on the treatment bandwagon. In the meantime, we need to focus on taking care of some other things (again).

Today, we met with RE to discuss just what our next step is going to be. I have pretty much been preparing myself to hear him say we were going to move directly to IVF. I was ready to face this and trying to figure out how we were going to pay for it and when we could potentially be able to pull it off. So, we walked in and he said that after going over my chart, especially at the most recent cycle, he remains confident that and IUI still may work. Last cycle, we agreed, was crazy. At first, I didn't respond much at all to meds, then when they increased the dose, I responded too well and nearly overstimulated, so they stopped the meds completely and at the last minute (when my estrogen level went back down dramatically), they decided to go ahead with the IUI, doing 1/2 a trigger shot. My progesterone looked great, so we expected it to work. RE thinks that since we now know better what it will take for me to respond to stims, we can do a much better job of getting an acceptable number of mature follicles without over stimulation and we can do a full-strength trigger shot. All in all, the idea is that next time will be better controlled and hopefully more successful.

We did talk about doing IVF and he agreed that we could certainly skip straight to this, but he feels that IUI should work and recommended we give it another shot. DH and I agreed that this is what we want...we would be able to start our next IUI cycle right after the holidays instead of having to wait longer. AND...we don't have to do a cycle of birth control first since I responded so badly to it the last time. The other nice thing is...RE didn't charge us for today's appointment!

Now, I am working on the list of things I want to get done in the next month or so before we start another IUI cycle. My hope is renewed just in time for the holidays that the next cycle will be the one, so I want to do everything I can to make this one work.

Empty

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, my uterus is empty. AF showed over the weekend to confirm that there is in fact not a baby growing inside of me. Yes, my husband and I are extremely disappointed (to say the least). We are also sad, angry, envious, confused, hopeful...the list of emotions goes on. This cycle was perfect...my numbers were great, my scans were good, the meds worked, IUI was completed, so I have NO idea why we didn't make a baby this time.

My RE wants me to schedule a "what's next" consult and I'm not in a terrible hurry to do so. I know we have to take a break until after the holidays for our sanity, scheduling, and financial reasons. I've accepted that. So, RE can say what he wants when I'm ready to hear it. I'm not sure if he will suggest we try IUI again, or if he will encourage us to get more testing, or go straight to IVF. I don't really care as long as the end result is a healthy pregnancy leading up to a healthy baby.

This has been the hardest cycle ever because we got so far this time, only to still have it end in defeat. "At least we know what works," we have told ourselves, but in reality...it didn't quite work...we still didn't get pregnant. My incredibly wonderful husband and I have been trying to stay positive. We are talking about possibly going back to see an Amish herbalist that we had been going to a year ago just so we feel like we're at least doing "something" while we wait to get things going again. And we are still praying every day that by some miracle, we get pregnant on our own before we have to get back on the roller coaster of meds and RE visits.

Defeated

I honestly expected this post to be a happy one...one that would give the news that we finally had a positive test. Even my RE was expecting us to have a good result. However, at 4:22 a.m. when I couldn't stand it any longer, I trotted into the bathroom to take a test. I acutally took two tests (two different brands). I thought about jumping in the shower, or going back to bed and just waiting to see the result later, but I couldn't wait. First one revealed one line only...not even the hint of a positive test. Second one followed with the same result. I was immediately numb. I didn't know what to think, say, or do. It felt like somebody sat right down on my chest and started choking me. I was pretty numb most of the morning. My husband asked me when I crawled back in bed, what the result was and he almost didn't believe me when I told him. "Are you serious?" was his first response. I had left the proof on the counter in the bathroom for him to see for himself. He hugged me and told me he was sorry, we cuddled for a while, then I think out of pure exhaustion (he didn't sleep well), he fell asleep.

I felt like a zombie, just going through the motions of my morning. I went to work, isolated myself in my office, and got a lot of work done...business as usual. But the more it started to sink in that everything had gone so well this time, and yet we still had a negative result, the more I stated to lose it.
By 10:20 a.m., I couldn't stop crying. I couldn't even walk to the front office to tell my receptionist to cancel the rest of my day...I just called her, then started crying again over the phone (fortunately, she knew what was going on). I emailed my boss and told her I was headed out for the rest of the day, turned off my lights and computer, and nearly ran down the hall and out the door, so I wouldn't have to see or talk to anybody.

RE finally called me back (I had called as soon as the office opened, but she was with a patient and didn't get a chance to call me back until almost 10:30. She told me to take another test in a week if I don't see AF before that. If the next test is also negative, or if AF shows, I need to call her back and we'll schedule an appointment to talk about what the next step will be for us. The only glimmer of hope we have is that next week could still give us a positive test (maybe we tested too early)...that would be so incredibly AMAZING!

I arrived home to find my husband in his chair, playing a game. He clearly looked sad (very unlike him) and gave me a hug when he saw me with my red, puffy eyes and tears running down my face. He held me for a long time and kept saying how sorry he was. We're currently sitting in the living room; he's in his chair, and I'm on the couch. Neither one of us looks like our normal, happy selves and neither one is saying much other than an occasional "I love you." I so much was hoping that today would be a beautiful, wonderful, incredible, amazing day of celebration for us, rather than this day of devastating defeat.

So, I'm praying for a miracle...the much needed blessing of a positive test next week. I'm hoping I can make it through today, then tomorrow, all the way through the next seven days and that this feeling I have will go away and I'll feel better.

Looking good

Tuesday, I drove up to my RE's office by myself to give up some more of my blood. It's amazing I have any left, but somehow she always gets plenty. This test was to check my progesterone level. Starting on the day of the IUI, my husband has had the job of giving me a nightly injection of progestone oil. I can only imagine how it might look to a fly on our wall. My RE drew what appear to be two giant eyes on my backside with a Sharpie, so my husband would know where to inject. Every night, I lay everything out and load up the shot, then bury my face in the pillow. The shot doesn't hurt that much, but I'm not doing the injections myself, so there is a bit more of a shock factor...and the stuff does sting just a little.

Anyway, I woke up in kind of a bad mood on Tuesday...just dreading this test. I'm so used to bad news about my body that it is hard for me to expect good news. I spend the rest of the day singing, "One Week" by the Barenaked Ladies. I knew not to expect the call from RE until about 4:00, so it was kind of a long day. When she finally did call, it was the typical, "How are you?" This never ceases to amuse me because I'm not sure what she expects me to say...uhhh, I'm a nervous wreck, so just give me good news, please. Then, "Are you ready?"...like I have to brace myself for something. I can never read her after the first part of this conversation. Finally, she has the news I have been waiting for, "Your progesterone level is 26.59, so keep doing what you're doing and we'll be expecting to see a positive pregnancy test next week." That was essentially the whole conversation.

Well since then, I have felt really strange. I am so excited that we have acutally come this far and that according to the numbers, I'm responding and I ovulated and I know there were troops that were in the area and ready to meet my egg(s). But still, I remind myself that the troops have to find an egg, one has to take up residence, then it has to burrow its way into my lining and stay there for many weeks. I just hope that all of these things happen the way they are supposed to.

So, a little more than one week after IUI, things are looking good. Now, I have less than a week until test day. I am looking forward to it a little more now since my progesterone news was good, but I still can stand to wait it out. I have seen/talked to so many people who can hardly wait until the wait is over, but I'm enjoying the moments of this wait. I like wondering and hoping. I don't like the stress of it all, but as long as I get a positive, it'll be worth it.