What's next...

The devastation of our failed IUI last month was quite a lot to handle. My husband and I have both been struggling with the stress of this as well as several other stressors in our life and decided that no matter what is next for us, we need another break. We made a deal that we need to wait until after the holidays are over before we get back on the treatment bandwagon. In the meantime, we need to focus on taking care of some other things (again).

Today, we met with RE to discuss just what our next step is going to be. I have pretty much been preparing myself to hear him say we were going to move directly to IVF. I was ready to face this and trying to figure out how we were going to pay for it and when we could potentially be able to pull it off. So, we walked in and he said that after going over my chart, especially at the most recent cycle, he remains confident that and IUI still may work. Last cycle, we agreed, was crazy. At first, I didn't respond much at all to meds, then when they increased the dose, I responded too well and nearly overstimulated, so they stopped the meds completely and at the last minute (when my estrogen level went back down dramatically), they decided to go ahead with the IUI, doing 1/2 a trigger shot. My progesterone looked great, so we expected it to work. RE thinks that since we now know better what it will take for me to respond to stims, we can do a much better job of getting an acceptable number of mature follicles without over stimulation and we can do a full-strength trigger shot. All in all, the idea is that next time will be better controlled and hopefully more successful.

We did talk about doing IVF and he agreed that we could certainly skip straight to this, but he feels that IUI should work and recommended we give it another shot. DH and I agreed that this is what we want...we would be able to start our next IUI cycle right after the holidays instead of having to wait longer. AND...we don't have to do a cycle of birth control first since I responded so badly to it the last time. The other nice thing is...RE didn't charge us for today's appointment!

Now, I am working on the list of things I want to get done in the next month or so before we start another IUI cycle. My hope is renewed just in time for the holidays that the next cycle will be the one, so I want to do everything I can to make this one work.

Empty

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, my uterus is empty. AF showed over the weekend to confirm that there is in fact not a baby growing inside of me. Yes, my husband and I are extremely disappointed (to say the least). We are also sad, angry, envious, confused, hopeful...the list of emotions goes on. This cycle was perfect...my numbers were great, my scans were good, the meds worked, IUI was completed, so I have NO idea why we didn't make a baby this time.

My RE wants me to schedule a "what's next" consult and I'm not in a terrible hurry to do so. I know we have to take a break until after the holidays for our sanity, scheduling, and financial reasons. I've accepted that. So, RE can say what he wants when I'm ready to hear it. I'm not sure if he will suggest we try IUI again, or if he will encourage us to get more testing, or go straight to IVF. I don't really care as long as the end result is a healthy pregnancy leading up to a healthy baby.

This has been the hardest cycle ever because we got so far this time, only to still have it end in defeat. "At least we know what works," we have told ourselves, but in reality...it didn't quite work...we still didn't get pregnant. My incredibly wonderful husband and I have been trying to stay positive. We are talking about possibly going back to see an Amish herbalist that we had been going to a year ago just so we feel like we're at least doing "something" while we wait to get things going again. And we are still praying every day that by some miracle, we get pregnant on our own before we have to get back on the roller coaster of meds and RE visits.

Defeated

I honestly expected this post to be a happy one...one that would give the news that we finally had a positive test. Even my RE was expecting us to have a good result. However, at 4:22 a.m. when I couldn't stand it any longer, I trotted into the bathroom to take a test. I acutally took two tests (two different brands). I thought about jumping in the shower, or going back to bed and just waiting to see the result later, but I couldn't wait. First one revealed one line only...not even the hint of a positive test. Second one followed with the same result. I was immediately numb. I didn't know what to think, say, or do. It felt like somebody sat right down on my chest and started choking me. I was pretty numb most of the morning. My husband asked me when I crawled back in bed, what the result was and he almost didn't believe me when I told him. "Are you serious?" was his first response. I had left the proof on the counter in the bathroom for him to see for himself. He hugged me and told me he was sorry, we cuddled for a while, then I think out of pure exhaustion (he didn't sleep well), he fell asleep.

I felt like a zombie, just going through the motions of my morning. I went to work, isolated myself in my office, and got a lot of work done...business as usual. But the more it started to sink in that everything had gone so well this time, and yet we still had a negative result, the more I stated to lose it.
By 10:20 a.m., I couldn't stop crying. I couldn't even walk to the front office to tell my receptionist to cancel the rest of my day...I just called her, then started crying again over the phone (fortunately, she knew what was going on). I emailed my boss and told her I was headed out for the rest of the day, turned off my lights and computer, and nearly ran down the hall and out the door, so I wouldn't have to see or talk to anybody.

RE finally called me back (I had called as soon as the office opened, but she was with a patient and didn't get a chance to call me back until almost 10:30. She told me to take another test in a week if I don't see AF before that. If the next test is also negative, or if AF shows, I need to call her back and we'll schedule an appointment to talk about what the next step will be for us. The only glimmer of hope we have is that next week could still give us a positive test (maybe we tested too early)...that would be so incredibly AMAZING!

I arrived home to find my husband in his chair, playing a game. He clearly looked sad (very unlike him) and gave me a hug when he saw me with my red, puffy eyes and tears running down my face. He held me for a long time and kept saying how sorry he was. We're currently sitting in the living room; he's in his chair, and I'm on the couch. Neither one of us looks like our normal, happy selves and neither one is saying much other than an occasional "I love you." I so much was hoping that today would be a beautiful, wonderful, incredible, amazing day of celebration for us, rather than this day of devastating defeat.

So, I'm praying for a miracle...the much needed blessing of a positive test next week. I'm hoping I can make it through today, then tomorrow, all the way through the next seven days and that this feeling I have will go away and I'll feel better.

Looking good

Tuesday, I drove up to my RE's office by myself to give up some more of my blood. It's amazing I have any left, but somehow she always gets plenty. This test was to check my progesterone level. Starting on the day of the IUI, my husband has had the job of giving me a nightly injection of progestone oil. I can only imagine how it might look to a fly on our wall. My RE drew what appear to be two giant eyes on my backside with a Sharpie, so my husband would know where to inject. Every night, I lay everything out and load up the shot, then bury my face in the pillow. The shot doesn't hurt that much, but I'm not doing the injections myself, so there is a bit more of a shock factor...and the stuff does sting just a little.

Anyway, I woke up in kind of a bad mood on Tuesday...just dreading this test. I'm so used to bad news about my body that it is hard for me to expect good news. I spend the rest of the day singing, "One Week" by the Barenaked Ladies. I knew not to expect the call from RE until about 4:00, so it was kind of a long day. When she finally did call, it was the typical, "How are you?" This never ceases to amuse me because I'm not sure what she expects me to say...uhhh, I'm a nervous wreck, so just give me good news, please. Then, "Are you ready?"...like I have to brace myself for something. I can never read her after the first part of this conversation. Finally, she has the news I have been waiting for, "Your progesterone level is 26.59, so keep doing what you're doing and we'll be expecting to see a positive pregnancy test next week." That was essentially the whole conversation.

Well since then, I have felt really strange. I am so excited that we have acutally come this far and that according to the numbers, I'm responding and I ovulated and I know there were troops that were in the area and ready to meet my egg(s). But still, I remind myself that the troops have to find an egg, one has to take up residence, then it has to burrow its way into my lining and stay there for many weeks. I just hope that all of these things happen the way they are supposed to.

So, a little more than one week after IUI, things are looking good. Now, I have less than a week until test day. I am looking forward to it a little more now since my progesterone news was good, but I still can stand to wait it out. I have seen/talked to so many people who can hardly wait until the wait is over, but I'm enjoying the moments of this wait. I like wondering and hoping. I don't like the stress of it all, but as long as I get a positive, it'll be worth it.

Waiting

IUI went well. We were allowed to "collect" at home, even though we live an hour away from the clinic. RE assured me that an hour would be just fine as long as we kept the cup at body temperature. So, neither one of us really slept well on Monday night. This morning, we sat, staring at the clock and waiting until 7:30 (appt. with RE was at 8:30), so we could collect the troops and head up to the clinic. DH and I were both nervous as could be. The collection cup made the trip nestled uncomfortably in my bra (I'm sure it was quite a site), while DH drove above the speed limit and commented on all the "slow" drivers on the road. Before we were even out of town, he was clearly too edgy, so I started singing, "Get me to the church on time" to lighten the mood. Without hesitation, he said, "I'm not worried about getting you to the church, I'm trying to get to the artificial sex place." Well said, my dear. I assured him that we had plenty of time, but that if we got pulled over, I was sure I could flash our cargo at the officer and ask for a reprieve so we could get to the clinic. Fortunately, we avoided getting pulled over, so I didn't have to try it.

We pulled into the parking lot of the clinic with 5 minutes to spare before our appointed time and deposited the cup in the lab, so RE could work her magic with getting it ready. 30 minutes later, she called us back to the lab to discuss his count and motility, which she said was all good. She had a sample on her microscope, which was hooked up to a tv monitor, so we got to see the little troops swimming around and even got a close-up view of some of them. "They're so cute!" I said in awe of the whole experience. Now, I have seen sperm on a microscope many times, but never DH's sperm and knowing that a whole bunch of these little guys were about to be comfortably placed inside my uterus was indescribable. Most people who have been TTC don't get the joy of seeing this, so it was such a blessing to get to see the little guys (and girls) swimming happily around on the microscope slide.

RE then sent us down the hall to "the room." I got all settled in the stirrups, naked from the waste down, aside from the "paper blanket" (as DH calls it) and waited patiently for RE to join us with a syringe full of the troops. When RE appeared, she explained everything as she was doing it, which I really appreciated because I knew what to expect, but DH didn't really know. The whole thing took less than 5 minutes, and we were again left alone for 15 minutes so I could chill out FOB style before I jumped up, got dressed, and went about my day.

That 15 minutes of waiting after the procedure was crazy long and tons of thoughts ran through my head. This is the closest we have ever gotten to having a chance of getting pregnant. PREGNANT!!! I just hope it works. I took the whole day off just to relax and because I wasn't sure I'd be able to concentrate on work. Plus, DH was so excited/nervous all day that the best way to describe him was like a kid at Christmas. I have dealt with the 2ww before in previous cycles, but since this was our first completed IUI cycle, DH now is cognizant of the 2ww as well and CANNOT wait to find out. It is going to be a long 2 weeks if he doesn't settle down. It is cute though. He worries about me more already and even called me when I was 5 minutes late getting home from an errand, just to make sure I was okay. His concern for my well-being makes me smile and he has been patting me every day, saying, "I hope there is a baby growing in there." Me too.

I have to go back to see RE in a week for a blood test to check my hormone levels. Until that time, we can BD on our own, which will hopefully help DH be more patient about waiting to find out if all this worked. We test on October 18th and I'm praying that for the first time ever, we finally see a BFP. If not, the most difficult thing will be to give DH the news. We are staying positive and we have several people praying for a miracle for us.

IUI has been scheduled!

What a whirlwind! Every other day for over a week, I have found myself in stirrups, watching several follicles growing on my ovaries, and donating vials of blood to have my hormone levels tested. One appointment would result in bad news and the next appointment would be good news, followed by more bad news, more good news, etc. Today seemed to be the final defeat...several large follicles, but perhaps too many. Hormone levels needed to come down into normal range (they had skyrocketed between appointments last week). After the roller coaster, I had pretty much thrown in the towel.

However, this afternoon, I got my regular call with the results of my blood work and the verdict on what RE wanted to do next. To my shock, I was told that we were going to go ahead with the IUI. Follicles are sized well and we did 1/2 a trigger shot to hopefully prevent all from being released. We then will go in for our IUI tomorrow, rather than waiting until Wednesday and then be left to try to make a baby naturally every other day or so. Two weeks from now, we'll know whether or not it worked. Starting tomorrow, I have to get daily progesterone injections with the help of my darling husband.

Tomorrow the wait begins. I'll admit, I'm excited, but nervous at the same time. I am wondering if it will work. If it does, will we have more than one? When will we tell people? Who will we tell first? We have never gotten this far in our journey, so even if the outcome isn't what we are hoing for (i.e. pregnancy), we have already reached a milestone in our journey and now we know that this CAN work.

Quite a year...

After the nightmare of dealing with side effects from a month of birth control pills, I finally got to the official start of this IUI cycle right on schedule. This past Monday, I went in for my baseline ultrasound and lab work...each of which was normal. Tuesday, I started injections of micro lupron twice a day and yesterday, added Gonal-F injections once a day. We go back to the RE on Monday morning to see how things are coming along. I REALLY hope that I am responding to the medications this time. I will be devastated if I don't get positive results with cycle. We have tried so many things that haven't worked to get to this point and this is essentially a last resort for us. Prior to this, there were always several other protocols we could try, but this is our last option before IVF and we just can't afford an IVF cycle (or another IUI cycle for that matter). So, RE said we were pulling out all the stops. My medication doses are higher and I'm using more potent meds to give my ovaries every possible push to do their thing, then if we make it to IUI, will do everything possible to try to make it work (and stick).

This past Saturday was our 6th wedding anniversary. It also marked 1 year that we had been working with our RE, and day 1 of my current cycle. Looking back, it has been quite a roller coaster, but I'm hopeful that this is the time it will pay off for us. Even though it has only been a year since we started treatments for infertility with our RE, we have been trying to expand our family for years. To have this milestone be "the one" would be such an awesome blessing for us!

An additional support I have had lately is a new friend at work who went through the same thing before getting pregnant with her son. Her doctor was even in the same office as mine (though, they are no longer in practice together). She brought me a bottle of wine yesterday and said that she and her husband got drunk just before their IVF and wound up pregnant, so she encouraged me to have a glass or two to relax this weekend before our follicle scan. She truly gets how stressful it can be, when everybody else in my office can get pregnant without a problem (and there has been at least one pregnant person constantly for that past 3 years...at least). Although I don't plan to get drunk, I may raise a glass in the hope that this time, it will work for us!

Phone calls to the RE

Of course, my body doesn't do anything according to "my schedule." I had this stuff all planned out, so I would have a month of birth control, which wouldn't interfere with any happenings this month, then we'd move right into our next IUI cycle on schedule. I had this thing planned to the day! However, on CD13, I made a semi-frantic phone call to my RE because I was bleeding! I was assured that this is normal and that it isn't really AF, so not to worry. However, it has never really stopped. I am still aware that this happens, but it has sort of ruined my carefully laid out plans. I'm making another call to my RE later today to run this all by her, just to make sure we are still on schedule (according to my agenda).

The issue is that this is my last week of birth control...Friday is my last pill. Friday is also the day we go on vacation for the weekend to celebrate our anniversary. We NEVER go anywhere on our anniversary and vowed that this year would be different. Well, needless to say, the timing is no longer awesome, but we'll just have to deal with it. I should have known (and had a feeling) this would happen.

Anyway, I'm just really hoping that all this stress and discomfort is worth it this time around. Money is getting tight, so we may have to take a more extended break in treatment if it doesn't work this time. That would be a huge disappointment!!! So, I am keeping my head up, hoping my RE can give me peace-of-mind (as usual), and praying for a successful cycle, despite the bumps in the road. AND...I will have a wonderful anniversary weekend in spite of my body's failure to cooperate with my plans.

And we're back...

Well, the summer is drawing to a close and "break time" is officially over. We have the money we needed to continue treatments and will be starting a cycle of birth control pills in just a few days. What?! Birth control to help me get pregnant? Haha...my RE says it sometimes works to "shock" my defiant reproductive organs into doing their job so that next month, we can proceed as planned with more injections (along with blood work and more visits to the office for ultrasounds) and hopefully, we'll finally have a successful IUI. I remain sure that if my ovaries actually spit out even one little egg, my DH's army of swimmers can SURELY find their way to it and one can SURELY seek refuge inside said egg and SURELY said zygote can then make itself comfy somewhere in my uterus for about 9 months. At least, that is what I pray happens because this girl sure isn't made of money and she's really tired of giving herself shots and hearing "sorry, not this cycle" and saving every extra penny on drugs and doctor visits when she would rather be buying baby stuff for her unborn child.

My plan over the summer was to focus on other things, like having fun, paying other bills, losing weight, etc. Honestly, my motivation was in significant trouble. I certainly had some fun, but didn't do a whole lot of traveling or other things that I probably would have done if I wasn't saving my money. I paid off some bills, though still have a few that I'm working on, but the end is in sight, at least. I haven't really lost any weight...haven't dieted, haven't done a ton of exercising. That's okay though, because I also haven't GAINED weight. I am also in really good spirits right now (probably hormone-related), so my motivation is slowly improving enough that I think I may actually lose a few more pounds before the "real" end of summer. I had also planned to see a new doctor, but that hasn't happened. I know who I want my new OBGYN to be, but haven't called yet. I keep putting that off until I need her for OB reasons, rather than adding GYN appointments to my list of "stuff to do." I think I have settled on a new family doctor as well...I actually have it narrowed down to two promising possibilities. My only hang-up with that is that I have a little bit of a balance left to pay my current doctor (literally one more payment could do it) before I switch. I haven't been in a big rush though, because I have plenty of metformin and I keep telling myself that I don't "need" anything else right now (even though I know I'm lying to myself....HELLO!). But, I have every confidence that these things will be falling into place soon. At this point, I'm taking all of this one day at a time. Flying by the seat of my pants (sort of), as my DH has taught me to do during our marriage. Sure, I still plan things out, but I don't get in as big of an anxious rush about it (if I can help it)...seems to work pretty well for me.

So, I tip my glass of orange juice to my pills each morning before I wash them down and hope that this time...THIS TIME...will be the time it works.

Just a quick update

It's been a month since my last post, so I thought I should at least throw out there that I'm still here. Still on a "break" from infertility treatments until we can afford it again...should be in another month or two. AF has been toying with me as usual...I acutally called my RE a couple of months ago for medication to get the ball rolling even though we weren't really "trying." However, the day before I was going to start the medication, low and behold...AF showed up. So, I saved my prescription and will use it later, as I'm sure I'll need it since it has now been 52 days since AF showed up and there has been no reappearance so far. Lovely. Anyway, just for fun, I decided to take a pregnancy test on Father's Day, thinking it would be the BEST gift ever for my husband, but as expected, it was negative.

I've been really trying to lose weight, though I'm not exercising NEARLY as much as I know I should. I'm doing okay with watching what I eat, though I'm not on any strict diets like I've done in the past, simply because I know I will not stick to anything long. Sometimes, I wish I had more will power for that stuff, but it's so hard for me to stick with a diet now that I cook for two (my husband and me). It was much easier to do the diet and exercise thing when I was single and had nothing better to do. However, I LOVE being married and wouldn't trade that for anything!

Money, money, money, money...

I hate thinking about money. I hate worrying about money. I generally don't have to worry about it too much...we have enough to get our bills paid and do fun stuff every once in a while. We do have some debt (student loans, and medical bills, mostly), but we are getting things taken care of. Unfortunately, my insurance does not cover any of my treatments for infertility, so all has been out of pocket so far. I have a little money left in my flex account and we're trying to build our savings back up so we can afford the next round of treatment without completely going broke.

I was sure that although we definitely needed a break from appointments and charting and medications, the break would be difficult. It actually hasn't been as bad as I feared. Sure, I still get a little sad when I walk by the baby stuff at the store, or feel mixed emotions when I get a new picture of my 6-week-old niece (my sis and I were TTC at the same time). However, the "time off" has allowed me to put my focus elsewhere. I can focus on work, cleaning my house, improving my physical health (exercising more!!!), and all those things that I had started to neglect a little more when my mind was on my female anatomy.

I hadn't even seen AF since February and finally decided to call my RE in April to get some Provera. Of course, the day after I picked up the prescription (before I actually started taking it), AF showed up. Until recently, I was always on a hormonal roller coaster. I feel like this break has been great because my body is starting to act more like the body I remember before all the hormone injections and pills. I don't feel "every little thing," and wonder....

Anyway, even though break time has been good for us, we got asked the dreaded question from some friends we hadn't seen in a couple of years..."When are you having kids?" I mean, my GOSH...it's been almost 6 years for crying out loud...how much time do we need before we start adding to our family??? So, because I'm not hormonal, I calmly and cooly said, "We will have kids someday, when we're ready. We have just been enjoying our time together. We can do anything we want, whenever we want and don't have to worry about a babysitter." This reminded me that I can't wait to start trying again. The plan is to hopefully have the money we need by August...September at the latest. Hopefully, the next round will be the magic one that finally results in a pregnancy.

This is it...double or nothing

What a roller coaster we've been on for the past couple of weeks! After discovering that I ovulated on day 20 of my last cycle, we were waiting to see whether things would progress. Our hope that it would be "the cycle" was squashed when AF arrived on day 29. So, I cried a lot (I'm sure this was mostly hormonal) and I called my RE's office to let them know that I needed to schedule another appointment, so we could start again. I hate making those calls.

But, the plan this cycle is to double my injections and we're hopeful that this will give us the boost we need to make things happen. I don't care if we end up with multiples, I just want to get pregnant! This is our last cycle. The meds for this cycle totaled just over $700 and had we not already gotten some of the meds we will hopefully use later this cycle, the total for just meds this cycle would have been $1000. We'll be spending between $500 and $800 on RE appointments this month (I'm hoping for $800 because that will mean the meds worked). It is February and we've already used up the rest of our Flex money for the year. Our savings has been depleted as well. We're out of money for IF treatment.

So, this is the cycle that HAS to work. If not, the plan is to take a break from the RE for a while, to rebuild our savings. We also plan to focus on getting some other things taken care of (bills and some weekends away) in the next few months as a way of "regroupng." We will probably restart some herbal treatments, so we aren't "wasting" any cycles. But, I'm hoping that none of this even needs to be considered because I want this to be "the cycle."

New Hope

It is funny that the things that run through my head during any given cycle seem to pop up as discussions when I visit my online support group. I may have never noticed it before, but suddenly when I think all hope is lost and I'm fighting a losing battle, someone mentions an idea that renews my hope. I love my support group!

As previously noted, my most recent ultrasound was more than a little disappointing. My ovaries/follicles are just being stubborn and not developing fast enough. Based on previous education about the growth rate, I figured out that if my follicles were to continue to develop at a normal pace, then I should theoretically ovulate sometime between days 19 and 22 of my cycle. This makes sense, as I seem to have long cycles. Last year, my OBGYN suggested I stop wasting my money on ovulation predictors (OPKs) because it is difficult to get a positive reading since I have only a small window when it would show up positive. When I started seeing my RE, he never said I should start using OPKs again, so I didn't...until now. I took a chance and used an OPK on day 20, just to see what it would read. The result was positive, which was great, though it is at least the 2nd time in the past year that I've had a positive OPK. Nevertheless, it renewed my hope that maybe we can get pregnant this cycle. My husband and I "danced" several times between days 19 and 22 and we'll find out in a couple of weeks if it worked. At this point, I'm certainly hoping for a postive pregnancy test, but I'm not getting my hopes up since we've had so many negatives. I am sending positive thoughts to my girl parts on a daily basis, so we'll see how it goes.

It looks like we have enough money for one more cycle of treatment, then we may have to take a break for a few months to rebuild our funds. I think that even if we take a break from the RE for a while, we'll start back up with alternative treatments, so we don't feel like those months are a complete waste. I hate the idea of taking a break at all, but this whole thing is so stressful anyway, so perhaps if we continue to have failed results, a break will be exactly what we need for a while...just to heal.

In any case, my husband and I have agreed that we need to get back on the bandwagon and work on eating healthier and exercising regularly again. I'm also trying to work on reducing my stress levels because they are starting to interfere with my memory and my productivity at work (again). I think we'll be back on track soon.

Not again

Well, I guess it wasn't meant to be this month, either. My follies just aren't mature enough. My husband and I both choked back tears as we got the news and it was a difficult drive home.

The rest of the day has not been a good one so far. I bawled at work between clients, and when my brother randomly called, I immediately started crying. It's going to be a long night.

So, I guess we start again next month. Maybe higher doses will do the trick. I just don't know how much more disappointment I can handle. The worst is that my husband is really struggling now, too. I hate to see him so sad!

I just keep wondering, "What did we do wrong? What could we have done better?" But, I don't think there are any good answers...it's just not meant to be right now. I just don't get it.

Waiting Game

Tomorrow is the big day...the day when we find out whether or not this round of medication actually helped. I imagine it is almost as bad as the 2 week wait after an IUI or IVF, but I wouldn't know. I just can't wait to find out whether or not my follies are growing...excited about the idea that they are, terrified that they are not.

I told myself I wouldn't blog about it until I knew what the outcome was, so I could either comment on my devastation, or note my excitement. I just couldn't wait. I have so much running through my mind in anticipation of tomorrow. I have been praying a lot more and asking for good test results.

This time, it feels different...not physically, but emotionally, I guess. I have learned not to trust my physical feelings, as my body likes to trick me. I do have occasional cramps in "the region" which make me wonder if it is just my ovaries doing their job for once. But, I have been deceived before, so I try to ignore it until I know for sure. Emotionally, I'm a mess. My hormones seem to be better in balance because I'm not a basket case right now, but I'm at the edge where I could go either way depending on what the circumstances are. This feels different too, because I really wanted this before, but with this cycle, I feel like we are making a more desperate attempt than ever before. I see it in my husband's eyes and I have even noticed in his behavior that he wants to make sure we do everything right this time.

So tomorrow, we find out our fate. Will we have to continue to endure the pain of knowing that I'm still broken, that my ovaries refuse to work properly, or will we be overjoyed at the possibility that this might be it...our first ACTUAL chance of getting pregnant???

Please let it be now!

The last few days have been a crazy mess for this Infertile-Myrtle. Just a week ago, I was looking forward to the change in medications that I was discussing with my doctors. My family doctor agreed to the extended release Metformin and raised my dosage back up to a level that might be more effective. So far, it has come with some side effects, but not nearly what I experienced with regular Metformin.

The same day I started this medication was my last day of Provera (unfortunately required because AF chose not to make an appearance without assistance). That night, I found myself in the ER with really high blood pressure and chest pains. Test results including lab work, ECG, chest x-ray, and CT scan revealed that I was just fine. My RE told me later that he is sure it was a reaction from my medication. Hopefully, we won't be going through that again!

AF arrived the morning after my ER visit. Baseline ultrasound was scheduled for yesterday and according to the magic ultrasound wand, my inside bits look good. Spent extra $$ to talk with my RE in person about switching from Clomid to Femara this cycle. He agreed. After I picked it up from the pharmacy, I decided that we will not make a habit of this because to costs almost 10x more than Clomid and our bank account can't handle that. In addition to Femara, we'll be doing Menopur injections.

My fingers are crossed that this cycle's efforts will actually produce some follicles. I remain convinced that if we can get some follicles, we can get pregnant with no problem (I hope, I hope, I hope...). More than anything, i want to get to our first IUI without having to cancel another one. If we make it that far, surely we can make a baby (or two).

So, I'm praying every day. I'm taking deep breaths, relaxing, getting plenty of sleep, and trying to stay organized in as many areas as possible. I am trying to focus on the positive and am hoping for a miracle...that my day 12 ultrasound shows some healthy, happy follicles that are looking to meet up with just the right sperm.

Feeling better in the New Year

I bought this book for my husband after he admitted that he has been really feeling down about our continued struggles with infertility. He also was completely lost when he went with me to RE appointments...it was all foreign to him. So, he started reading this last week and LOVES it. It has really helped him understand infertility and it's fun to read which makes it even better.

AF never showed up, so after a BFN confirmed that there was nothing left to hope for this past cycle, I started Provera again. AF should show up sometime next week. From here, we're doing another combo cycle. The nurse told me that we'd be using a different injectable medication and I emailed my RE to see if he'd be willing to change my Clomid as well to Femara which looks like it might possibly work better for me. We'll see what he thinks, though.

It seems like more than ever, I really want this cycle to be the one for us to at least do our first IUI. So far, we've had three cancelled IUIs because my ovaries just haven't been working. I still think that if I ovulated even once and we were able to do an IUI, we'd get pregnant with no problem. No problem...that would be nice.

I have been putting off finding a new OBGYN for months. I don't really need one until I actually get pregnant (though, I'm probably due for a pap smear pretty soon), but it had been weighing on my mind. I had some time to kill at work last week and was able to find what looks like an awesome practice! All of the staff are female...they have a couple of OBGYNs and a couple of nurse practitioners. It is about 45 minutes away, but I refused to see anybody local because when I do get pregnant, I don't want to deliver at any of the hospitals in my area. The practice I found is one I had actually looked at once before, but I never got around to making an appointment. In doing a little research last week, I discovered that the doctors there have privileges at two hospitals...one of which sounds exactly like the kind of hospital I want to go to. That settled it...I'm going there!

Thanks to the New Year, we have a fresh supply of funds to pay for treatment, so we have been working on paying off some other bills. My husband traded in his old truck for one that he is in love with. That's one thing marked off our list for the year. I think we might finally be able to get all of our medical bills paid off completely this year. There are a couple that we've been making payments on forever. It'll be so nice to get rid of them! Im feeling pretty positive so far this year that we'll be in better shape financially which is really helping my stress levels go down.