Empty

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, my uterus is empty. AF showed over the weekend to confirm that there is in fact not a baby growing inside of me. Yes, my husband and I are extremely disappointed (to say the least). We are also sad, angry, envious, confused, hopeful...the list of emotions goes on. This cycle was perfect...my numbers were great, my scans were good, the meds worked, IUI was completed, so I have NO idea why we didn't make a baby this time.

My RE wants me to schedule a "what's next" consult and I'm not in a terrible hurry to do so. I know we have to take a break until after the holidays for our sanity, scheduling, and financial reasons. I've accepted that. So, RE can say what he wants when I'm ready to hear it. I'm not sure if he will suggest we try IUI again, or if he will encourage us to get more testing, or go straight to IVF. I don't really care as long as the end result is a healthy pregnancy leading up to a healthy baby.

This has been the hardest cycle ever because we got so far this time, only to still have it end in defeat. "At least we know what works," we have told ourselves, but in reality...it didn't quite work...we still didn't get pregnant. My incredibly wonderful husband and I have been trying to stay positive. We are talking about possibly going back to see an Amish herbalist that we had been going to a year ago just so we feel like we're at least doing "something" while we wait to get things going again. And we are still praying every day that by some miracle, we get pregnant on our own before we have to get back on the roller coaster of meds and RE visits.

Defeated

I honestly expected this post to be a happy one...one that would give the news that we finally had a positive test. Even my RE was expecting us to have a good result. However, at 4:22 a.m. when I couldn't stand it any longer, I trotted into the bathroom to take a test. I acutally took two tests (two different brands). I thought about jumping in the shower, or going back to bed and just waiting to see the result later, but I couldn't wait. First one revealed one line only...not even the hint of a positive test. Second one followed with the same result. I was immediately numb. I didn't know what to think, say, or do. It felt like somebody sat right down on my chest and started choking me. I was pretty numb most of the morning. My husband asked me when I crawled back in bed, what the result was and he almost didn't believe me when I told him. "Are you serious?" was his first response. I had left the proof on the counter in the bathroom for him to see for himself. He hugged me and told me he was sorry, we cuddled for a while, then I think out of pure exhaustion (he didn't sleep well), he fell asleep.

I felt like a zombie, just going through the motions of my morning. I went to work, isolated myself in my office, and got a lot of work done...business as usual. But the more it started to sink in that everything had gone so well this time, and yet we still had a negative result, the more I stated to lose it.
By 10:20 a.m., I couldn't stop crying. I couldn't even walk to the front office to tell my receptionist to cancel the rest of my day...I just called her, then started crying again over the phone (fortunately, she knew what was going on). I emailed my boss and told her I was headed out for the rest of the day, turned off my lights and computer, and nearly ran down the hall and out the door, so I wouldn't have to see or talk to anybody.

RE finally called me back (I had called as soon as the office opened, but she was with a patient and didn't get a chance to call me back until almost 10:30. She told me to take another test in a week if I don't see AF before that. If the next test is also negative, or if AF shows, I need to call her back and we'll schedule an appointment to talk about what the next step will be for us. The only glimmer of hope we have is that next week could still give us a positive test (maybe we tested too early)...that would be so incredibly AMAZING!

I arrived home to find my husband in his chair, playing a game. He clearly looked sad (very unlike him) and gave me a hug when he saw me with my red, puffy eyes and tears running down my face. He held me for a long time and kept saying how sorry he was. We're currently sitting in the living room; he's in his chair, and I'm on the couch. Neither one of us looks like our normal, happy selves and neither one is saying much other than an occasional "I love you." I so much was hoping that today would be a beautiful, wonderful, incredible, amazing day of celebration for us, rather than this day of devastating defeat.

So, I'm praying for a miracle...the much needed blessing of a positive test next week. I'm hoping I can make it through today, then tomorrow, all the way through the next seven days and that this feeling I have will go away and I'll feel better.

Looking good

Tuesday, I drove up to my RE's office by myself to give up some more of my blood. It's amazing I have any left, but somehow she always gets plenty. This test was to check my progesterone level. Starting on the day of the IUI, my husband has had the job of giving me a nightly injection of progestone oil. I can only imagine how it might look to a fly on our wall. My RE drew what appear to be two giant eyes on my backside with a Sharpie, so my husband would know where to inject. Every night, I lay everything out and load up the shot, then bury my face in the pillow. The shot doesn't hurt that much, but I'm not doing the injections myself, so there is a bit more of a shock factor...and the stuff does sting just a little.

Anyway, I woke up in kind of a bad mood on Tuesday...just dreading this test. I'm so used to bad news about my body that it is hard for me to expect good news. I spend the rest of the day singing, "One Week" by the Barenaked Ladies. I knew not to expect the call from RE until about 4:00, so it was kind of a long day. When she finally did call, it was the typical, "How are you?" This never ceases to amuse me because I'm not sure what she expects me to say...uhhh, I'm a nervous wreck, so just give me good news, please. Then, "Are you ready?"...like I have to brace myself for something. I can never read her after the first part of this conversation. Finally, she has the news I have been waiting for, "Your progesterone level is 26.59, so keep doing what you're doing and we'll be expecting to see a positive pregnancy test next week." That was essentially the whole conversation.

Well since then, I have felt really strange. I am so excited that we have acutally come this far and that according to the numbers, I'm responding and I ovulated and I know there were troops that were in the area and ready to meet my egg(s). But still, I remind myself that the troops have to find an egg, one has to take up residence, then it has to burrow its way into my lining and stay there for many weeks. I just hope that all of these things happen the way they are supposed to.

So, a little more than one week after IUI, things are looking good. Now, I have less than a week until test day. I am looking forward to it a little more now since my progesterone news was good, but I still can stand to wait it out. I have seen/talked to so many people who can hardly wait until the wait is over, but I'm enjoying the moments of this wait. I like wondering and hoping. I don't like the stress of it all, but as long as I get a positive, it'll be worth it.

Waiting

IUI went well. We were allowed to "collect" at home, even though we live an hour away from the clinic. RE assured me that an hour would be just fine as long as we kept the cup at body temperature. So, neither one of us really slept well on Monday night. This morning, we sat, staring at the clock and waiting until 7:30 (appt. with RE was at 8:30), so we could collect the troops and head up to the clinic. DH and I were both nervous as could be. The collection cup made the trip nestled uncomfortably in my bra (I'm sure it was quite a site), while DH drove above the speed limit and commented on all the "slow" drivers on the road. Before we were even out of town, he was clearly too edgy, so I started singing, "Get me to the church on time" to lighten the mood. Without hesitation, he said, "I'm not worried about getting you to the church, I'm trying to get to the artificial sex place." Well said, my dear. I assured him that we had plenty of time, but that if we got pulled over, I was sure I could flash our cargo at the officer and ask for a reprieve so we could get to the clinic. Fortunately, we avoided getting pulled over, so I didn't have to try it.

We pulled into the parking lot of the clinic with 5 minutes to spare before our appointed time and deposited the cup in the lab, so RE could work her magic with getting it ready. 30 minutes later, she called us back to the lab to discuss his count and motility, which she said was all good. She had a sample on her microscope, which was hooked up to a tv monitor, so we got to see the little troops swimming around and even got a close-up view of some of them. "They're so cute!" I said in awe of the whole experience. Now, I have seen sperm on a microscope many times, but never DH's sperm and knowing that a whole bunch of these little guys were about to be comfortably placed inside my uterus was indescribable. Most people who have been TTC don't get the joy of seeing this, so it was such a blessing to get to see the little guys (and girls) swimming happily around on the microscope slide.

RE then sent us down the hall to "the room." I got all settled in the stirrups, naked from the waste down, aside from the "paper blanket" (as DH calls it) and waited patiently for RE to join us with a syringe full of the troops. When RE appeared, she explained everything as she was doing it, which I really appreciated because I knew what to expect, but DH didn't really know. The whole thing took less than 5 minutes, and we were again left alone for 15 minutes so I could chill out FOB style before I jumped up, got dressed, and went about my day.

That 15 minutes of waiting after the procedure was crazy long and tons of thoughts ran through my head. This is the closest we have ever gotten to having a chance of getting pregnant. PREGNANT!!! I just hope it works. I took the whole day off just to relax and because I wasn't sure I'd be able to concentrate on work. Plus, DH was so excited/nervous all day that the best way to describe him was like a kid at Christmas. I have dealt with the 2ww before in previous cycles, but since this was our first completed IUI cycle, DH now is cognizant of the 2ww as well and CANNOT wait to find out. It is going to be a long 2 weeks if he doesn't settle down. It is cute though. He worries about me more already and even called me when I was 5 minutes late getting home from an errand, just to make sure I was okay. His concern for my well-being makes me smile and he has been patting me every day, saying, "I hope there is a baby growing in there." Me too.

I have to go back to see RE in a week for a blood test to check my hormone levels. Until that time, we can BD on our own, which will hopefully help DH be more patient about waiting to find out if all this worked. We test on October 18th and I'm praying that for the first time ever, we finally see a BFP. If not, the most difficult thing will be to give DH the news. We are staying positive and we have several people praying for a miracle for us.

IUI has been scheduled!

What a whirlwind! Every other day for over a week, I have found myself in stirrups, watching several follicles growing on my ovaries, and donating vials of blood to have my hormone levels tested. One appointment would result in bad news and the next appointment would be good news, followed by more bad news, more good news, etc. Today seemed to be the final defeat...several large follicles, but perhaps too many. Hormone levels needed to come down into normal range (they had skyrocketed between appointments last week). After the roller coaster, I had pretty much thrown in the towel.

However, this afternoon, I got my regular call with the results of my blood work and the verdict on what RE wanted to do next. To my shock, I was told that we were going to go ahead with the IUI. Follicles are sized well and we did 1/2 a trigger shot to hopefully prevent all from being released. We then will go in for our IUI tomorrow, rather than waiting until Wednesday and then be left to try to make a baby naturally every other day or so. Two weeks from now, we'll know whether or not it worked. Starting tomorrow, I have to get daily progesterone injections with the help of my darling husband.

Tomorrow the wait begins. I'll admit, I'm excited, but nervous at the same time. I am wondering if it will work. If it does, will we have more than one? When will we tell people? Who will we tell first? We have never gotten this far in our journey, so even if the outcome isn't what we are hoing for (i.e. pregnancy), we have already reached a milestone in our journey and now we know that this CAN work.