My husband and I had a rough morning. However, both of us admitted that we had known deep down that it wouldn't work this time. We also coped better with the devastation of yet another negative test. We agreed that we need to regroup (again). Our plan is to go back to the herbalist that we were going to a couple of years ago because he seemed to help quite a bit. We well stay on the herbs while we save money for IVF. We both agreed that after 2 failed IUIs, we just can't keep doing that, so it's time to try something else.
Called RE's office and the nurse told me she was sorry and to call back with AF arrived. Well, as I type this, her card is sitting on my desk in front of me and I cannot bring myself to pick up the phone and dial her number. AF arrived yesterday and is in full swing. I know she'll suggest that we sit down and consult with the doctor again about what we should do. I'm even thinking of maybe finding another RE to see. I have been really happy with the current one, but it may be cheaper to go somewhere else. I'll look into it later.
I've sort of fallen into a bit of a depression...not serious, but eerily similar to "my dark time," a period of time in my life that was ultimately a real turning point for me, but also could have ended very differently. I have lost my appetite, though am eating enough to get by. This actually isn't a bad thing because one of my other goals through all this has been to lose weight. Since stopping hormones, exercising more, and eating less, I'm down 10lbs already. As much as I hate that this was my motivator, it seems to be working for now. One thing I hate is that I have a constant knot in my throat, and thinking of food makes me feel angry and sick. I know this will pass, but I wish it didn't feel this way, especially because I feel like I have to hide it for fear that somebody might worry. I'm not hurting myself...just disappointed with myself.
My husband is more adamant now that we both need a change. He wants to move and we've talked about several options. We talked about cities in the area that we'd like to live in as well as the possibility of moving to a new state all together. It is stressful to think of uprooting ourselves, but at the same time, it is what we have both wanted for some time...we have just been waiting for the right time. It will still likely be months before we move, but this is the most seriously we have talked about it. We plan to take some trips this summer to see what other areas (states) have to offer.
I still wish we had good news of a pregnancy to report, but I guess it just isn't meant to happen right now. I hate waiting and wondering if it will ever happen for us. More than anything, I want to have a baby with my husband. I want to have the full pregnancy, birth and parenting experience. Why is that so much to ask?
