What Have I Been Doing?

No worries; I'm still here. I have been working hard over the past few months. I mentioned in my last blog entry that I had been using an app to help track my food intake and exercise habits and it was really working for me. I have lost 28 pounds since I started using the app and I'm still working on it. I had hoped to be down at least 30 pounds, but I hit a bit of a plateau for a few weeks, but the numbers on the scale have recently started dropping again.

I watch my total calorie intake every day and I make room as often as I can for "treadmill time" and other exercises to help melt away the yucky fat I have carried around for the past several years. At this point, I weigh less than I did when I started dating my now husband. Most of my clothes are too big and the clothes I had "outgrown" from my days as a single woman now fit again. I am 9 pounds away from my end-of-the-year goal. I don't know if I will make it by December 31, but I hope to be as close as possible. Once I reach that point, I plan to continue my weight loss with the ultimate goal of losing enough weight to feel like I am comfortably in the "normal" BMI range.

It is now December and if you had been keeping up with my blog, you would know that this was the month we were planning to start the IVF process...as long as things went "according to plan." When does that ever happen? In November, my employer sent out notification that our insurance provider would be changing January 1st. they promised that there would be no changes in coverage, BUT...it turns out that our new insurance offers some (very little) coverage for infertility. The previous insurance did not have any coverage, so this was a positive change. I had counted also on electing the full $5K of flex spending funds, but the government slashed that in half, so a lot went into our ultimate decision to postpone IVF until January. New year, new insurance, new start. So...we wait another month, but we are both hoping that all of our efforts over the past few months will prove fruitful and that we will be pregnant in 2013.

And so, I want to wish my blog-stalkers a wonderful holiday season. We plan to celebrate this holiday as if it will be our last without children and hopefully...this will indeed be the case. Expect more frequent blog updates once we start our IVF journey early in 2013.

Getting Ready

Yet again, it has been a little while since I last updated my blog, but I have been working hard since my last post. My new OBGYN encouraged me to see a dietitian to help me with my weight loss after I told her I was really struggling with it, but I dragged my feet about it and decided I knew what I needed to do, but needed some motivation to get started. So...instead of seeing the dietitian, I found an app for that and I LOVE it!!!

I have set a goal to lose approximately two pounds per week and in 30 days, I have now lost 11 pounds. I have never before had such success with a fitness plan as I am having with this app and it doesn't feel like a chore for me, which is really helping me maintain the motivation to keep going. I have several mini-goals that I have set for myself as well to help encourage me and to keep me on track with my bigger goal.

Even better...my weight loss is starting to be noticed by others. I see it myself on the scale, but I was talking to someone who hadn't seen me in a few months and they made a comment about it. It felt so great to confirm that I did indeed lose weight. My clothes are starting to be too big (which makes finding clothes for work a bit of a challenge), and I am finding that I can again comfortably wear some outfits that were just a bit too tight before I started losing weight. My husband even made the comment this afternoon that his arms fit around me better.

This weight loss is all part of the journey. I needed to lose weight before all this treatment stuff, but months of hormones being pumped into my body took a toll as well and I had really packed on the pounds over the past couple of years. I constantly remind myself of the friends I've had who (like me) struggled to get pregnant until they lost weight; then they got their miracles. I'd love to be in that club, so I'm going to do my best to get myself into a healthier weight category.

I have also followed up with my family doctor about my blood pressure. I actually had made an appointment to "check things out" since I hadn't been in for a while. I needed to get a new prescription for my Metformin anyway (I switched to Glumetza which I am sooo much happier with). As usual, my blood pressure was high on the day of  my appointment, so he told me to monitor it for a month and follow up. I did so diligently and was ashamed to show him just how high it is on a consistent basis. So now I'm on blood pressure medicine...the same one I was on several years ago. It is pregnancy-friendly in anticipation that our next official TTC efforts will prove successful. Within a day or two, my blood pressure has gone back down to acceptable levels. I'm glad it's normal, hate that I have to take a pill to make it normal, but like that the pill I'm on is safe for pregnancy and may even help me have a more normal pregnancy when I eventually DO get pregnant.

In the midst of all this, I was going through the IVF information packet that we got from our RE after our last failed IUI. I had a bunch of questions about various parts of it, so I called his nurse (I like her a lot because she is extremely nice and very helpful). She wasn't busy when I called and even if she didn't remember me immediately, I didn't notice because she acted like we had just recently talked (I hadn't actually talked to her since March). She answered all my questions and helped me come up with a timeline of when things would need to happen in preparation for our IVF. I told her we want to do it in January, so we'll be starting everything in December as long as all goes according to plan.

At this point, I feel like I can again look forward to restarting our efforts. I feel like these preparations (asking questions, planning, weight loss, managing other health issues, etc.) are going to make a huge difference in our efforts this time. I'm not simply "waiting" anymore; I'm doing something to help our chances.

Positive energy

That is what my new OBGYN has given me...positive energy. My appointment with her went very well. I felt comfortable with her and she and her nurse both recognized that I'm pretty knowledgeable about my own health and didn't treat me like an idiot. I told her about our struggles with infertility and our plans to do IVF in a few months and she was totally supportive. She suggested (as I figured she would) that I get to work on the weight loss thing to help improve my chances and possibly get my body working better on its own. She then was empathetic with me when I told her how much I have struggled with it lately and she suggested I see a dietitian to help give me extra support. I had thought about this before, but never took action. Overall, I felt great about my appointment...and I didn't have to sit in the waiting room forever before they called my name. The whole process went very smoothly.

My husband has been working for the past couple of months and is happy with his job, but was worried about the potential of having it be too stressful when they get busy this fall. He wasn't sure exactly what was expected of him and had decided he still wanted to finish school. So...we set up an appointment for him to work on getting back into school (he really needs support for a learning disorder that he has just been "dealing with" until now). He then talked to his boss about it and not only was his boss supportive of my husband finishing his degree, but he was able to clarify his expectations and gave him another raise. This was totally unexpected and really lifted our spirits even more.

We received a letter to notify us that we had not been selected to receive the IVF grant we applied for, but neither one of us was disappointed about it. Certainly, it would have been nice to have a cycle paid for by somebody else, but at this point, we almost have the money we need to pay for it ourselves and we feel that another couple is probably more in need than we are at this point.

I pray all the time and a lot of my prayers have been answered recently. My continued prayer is that all this positive energy that has been generated lately will continue, and that this will lead into my biggest prayer being answered...finally getting pregnant and having a family of our own.

Things are starting to look a little brighter

Once again, I had disappeared for a while, but I'm checking in again. In my last post, I noted that we were applying for some grants to help us fund further treatments. We applied for one grant (Embracing Hope) and at last check, they still hadn't awarded it yet, but I'm not all that optimistic that we will be the ones selected. There was another grant application due on June 1, and I let that deadline come and go without submitting an application. I thought about it and decided that we probably wouldn't get it because I didn't leave myself enough time to complete what would be a really good grant application. I know this all really sounds less than optimistic, but I think (and I hope) that God is opening some other doors for us.

We had gone back to herbal treatments which didn't seem to help as much this time, so I haven't really kept up with it. However, at work we are really putting more focus on holistic care and being able to provide our clients with a resource list of alternative treatments as well as offering some holistic services. In the midst of my research, I found an integrative medicine physician that is affiliated with our local hospital and arranged for my co-workers and I to meet with him. He has really renewed my energy at work and personally and I am planning to make an appointment to see him myself. Even though we are still working on saving up for IVF, our efforts to be healthier (and hope for a miracle) in the meantime have not stopped in our break from active treatment cycles.

Also, as much as I hate to mention it, I have noticed that financing or efforts have been such a huge theme in our journey...and my blog posts. I am hoping this will be the last time I bring it up for a long time because I hate talking about it and the only reason I do is because I know that others experience the same struggles. Treatment is a huge financial commitment when insurance doesn't cover it! I am cautiously optimistic that our prayers in the financial category have been answered. I say cautiously because I have been hopeful before, but it hasn't usually worked out according to plan.. This time, it seems more promising, but I know how the world works and I don't want to put all my eggs in one basket, so to speak. Anyway, DH received a job offer out of the blue about a month ago. He hadn't applied for this job and it involved working for a company that he had been with several years ago, but left his position shortly after we were married because at the time, it was kind of a dead-end job. In just over a month, he has been promoted to interim manager and as long as he doesn't disappoint the owner in the next couple of months (and I don't think he will), he will be promoted again to manager which will almost (but not quite) double our current household income. Although my income had been enough to support us while he has been in school, it certainly limited our ability to build our savings very quickly. This would allow us to pay off some bills that we had been slowly working on and will allow us to save twice as much as we had been. What does that mean??....that we can pay for IVF on our own! In my head, I still have this budget in my mind that would mean we'd continue to postpone IVF until December 2012/January 2013 because I don't want to wipe out our savings again, but it does mean that we have a much better financial picture right now which will really help in a lot of areas.

In other news, I can't remember if I mentioned this before or not (and I don't feel like checking my archived posts right now), but my sister is pregnant with baby #2. She got pregnant with this one without trying at the same time that I would have gotten pregnant had our last IUI cycle been successful. I am only mentioning her in this post because she is having a horrible time with this pregnancy. She was sick all the time with her first pregnancy, which is no surprise because she always had a weak stomach. This one not only has her physically sick (again), but she is having some major emotional issues as well. She hates to talk about it because it just makes her feel worse and she hates to talk to me about it because she knows my struggles and is totally sympathetic to the fact that I would do almost anything to get pregnant and haven't been that lucky. I really feel sorry that she is going through this and I support her as much as I can, but we don't talk about her pregnancy anymore because it is a sore subject for both of us. Instead we focus on my adorable niece who turned 1 a couple of months ago. She is so cute and really smart and amazing and wonderful, so she gives us lots of other things to talk about. I cannot wait to give her (and her future sibling) a cousin on their mom's side!

I will try to remember to update again soon...probably after I consult with the new doctor. Until then, I'm sending sticky baby dust to all of my friends and followers who need it.

It's been a while

Well, I realized that it has been too long...well over a month since my last blog posting, so I thought I should update. The 2ww ended and we got yet another BFN. I had a feeling that this was the result we'd get, but it certainly didn't make it any easier. So, we met with our RE and he said that everything looked so good, my hormone levels, my follicles, husband's swimmers, hormone levels post IUI. Both times, it looked good like this, so we should have had a positive result...unless the swimmers just aren't all that attracted to my eggs. At this point, our best option is IVF. I was ready to hear that, but what a huge let down! So many people can get pregnant without thinking about it. I never thought we'd have to struggle as much as this to get pregnant.

We are now on a break. We certainly will be over the moon if we get pregnant in the next few months, but we cannot afford IVF right now. We have gone back to the Amish herbalist that we went to a couple of years ago and have again been taking various herbs. It has been about a month and I haven't noticed any benefit yet. Last time I noticed right away, so I don't know what the deal is. We are supposed to go back soon, so I'm hoping the next month will bring more success.

I called RE the other day and explained that we are applying for some IVF grants. If we actually are awarded a grant, I cannot even describe how ecstatic I would be. That would take away so much stress and allow us to actually move forward with treatments. I think to receive a grant would be almost as emotionally moving as finally getting a BFP...which of course will likely happen with an IVF cycle.

We're still waiting...

Well, we have been pulling our hair out, anxious to test during the last half of the 2ww, so I tested a couple of days early (the minute my husband left the house that evening). I was hoping it would be positive and I planned out the best way to surprise him with the good news. Negative. My heart broke a little, but I reminded myself that it was technically too early, so on Super Bowl Sunday (end of the wait), I tested again. Negative. I knew it.

My husband and I had a rough morning. However, both of us admitted that we had known deep down that it wouldn't work this time. We also coped better with the devastation of yet another negative test. We agreed that we need to regroup (again). Our plan is to go back to the herbalist that we were going to a couple of years ago because he seemed to help quite a bit. We well stay on the herbs while we save money for IVF. We both agreed that after 2 failed IUIs, we just can't keep doing that, so it's time to try something else.

Called RE's office and the nurse told me she was sorry and to call back with AF arrived. Well, as I type this, her card is sitting on my desk in front of me and I cannot bring myself to pick up the phone and dial her number. AF arrived yesterday and is in full swing. I know she'll suggest that we sit down and consult with the doctor again about what we should do. I'm even thinking of maybe finding another RE to see. I have been really happy with the current one, but it may be cheaper to go somewhere else. I'll look into it later.

I've sort of fallen into a bit of a depression...not serious, but eerily similar to "my dark time," a period of time in my life that was ultimately a real turning point for me, but also could have ended very differently. I have lost my appetite, though am eating enough to get by. This actually isn't a bad thing because one of my other goals through all this has been to lose weight. Since stopping hormones, exercising more, and eating less, I'm down 10lbs already. As much as I hate that this was my motivator, it seems to be working for now. One thing I hate is that I have a constant knot in my throat, and thinking of food makes me feel angry and sick. I know this will pass, but I wish it didn't feel this way, especially because I feel like I have to hide it for fear that somebody might worry. I'm not hurting myself...just disappointed with myself.

My husband is more adamant now that we both need a change. He wants to move and we've talked about several options. We talked about cities in the area that we'd like to live in as well as the possibility of moving to a new state all together. It is stressful to think of uprooting ourselves, but at the same time, it is what we have both wanted for some time...we have just been waiting for the right time. It will still likely be months before we move, but this is the most seriously we have talked about it. We plan to take some trips this summer to see what other areas (states) have to offer.

I still wish we had good news of a pregnancy to report, but I guess it just isn't meant to happen right now. I hate waiting and wondering if it will ever happen for us. More than anything, I want to have a baby with my husband. I want to have the full pregnancy, birth and parenting experience. Why is that so much to ask?

IUI #2 Today

I have not been as good about blogging every appointment this cycle, so I should probably cover all my bases with what has happened with this cycle. To avoid making this post way too lengthy, I am opting to note events through bullet points. Otherwise, this would be the longest post ever! I will say that I have tried to stay more relaxed than the last cycle, despite being incredibly busy this month.

• December 27, 2011: AF was still MIA, so Provera started.
• Spotting for the last few days of Provera (called RE about it).
• January 5, 2012: CD 1
• January 6, 2012: Baseline u/s. Everything looked good.
• January 7, 2012: Menopur injections started.
• January 9, 2012: Gonal F injections started.
• January 13, 2012: CD 9 u/s. Scan looked good; es- 318.5, LH- 3.9, prog- 0.48.
• January 15, 2012: CD 11 u/s. Lots of follies; es- 1309, LH- 5.17, prog- 0.49.
• January 18, 2012: CD 14 u/s. Still lots of follies; es- 2103, LH- 2.47, prog- 0.54. (RE asked if we wanted to switch to IVF...not in the budget).
• January 20, 2012: CD 16 u/s. Fewer follies; es- 264.94, LH 0.66, prog- 0.74.
• January 22, 2012: IUI # 2 completed. The two week wait begins.

After the excitement of our first IUI only ended in yet another negative result, I decided to try a different attitude this time. We have kept this cycle much more low-key. A lot more people are aware of our efforts because we said something in our Christmas letter and my husband has been talking about it a little more with some of his friends and family, but I haven't given a play-by-play to anybody. I haven't even had to miss much work with this cycle.

This IUI was different than the first one. The plan was to back off on meds once my follies started looking good, so my body didn't go overboard like last time. Well...the same thing happened this time, but they took a different approach. Our last IUI was performed by RE's nurse who is the one we see for all of our appointments. However, since this one fell on a Sunday, RE did the procedure himself...at the office that is further from our house (1 1/2 hours versus 45 minutes). Because of this, my husband had to "collect" at the office, rather than at home. So, he did his thing and we went to breakfast, then returned to the office, so RE could do his thing. Now, I'm doing my thing...praying that those cute little swimmers that I saw on a tv screen this morning find their way to a healthy egg that I hope was released by one of my ovaries and that they decide to stay a while, say 9 months or so.

Fresh start

Another year has ended and a new one has begun. With the new year in full swing, so too are our efforts to expand our family. January 1 meant that we have more flex money to spend, so we opted to go ahead with our next (and hopefully last) IUI attempt. I had my baseline appointment on January 6th with my next ultrasound scheduled on the 13th. I don't know what is wrong with me this time around, but I have a completely different attitude about this cycle. Previously, I couldn't wait to talk to my sister about it (she has been my confidant though all of this...other than my husband of course) and I was more than willing to talk about it with others if they asked. Currently, I don't want to talk about it, which is crazy because we made the decision to tell everybody at Christmas about our efforts, so more people have started asking about it. My husband has really appreciated talking about it with more people, but I haven't. I just want to hurry up and go through the motions of all of this and get it over with. I of course want a positive result, but I am not feeling that emotional roller coaster that I usually have of "I can't wait...I hope it works...it better work." I'm just numb. I think it is that we have been unsuccessful so many times that I just can't take any more devastation. I am soooo hoping to get excited and that we get a positive result, so I will have good news to share for once.

As usual, my baseline appointment went well. My numbers were okay and I've started my injections. Friday will be here before I know it and we'll see how well my body is working, but I'm expecting things to look just fine. AF hasn't been all that disagreeable this time. Just some cramping and bloating, but otherwise tolerable. The plan for this cycle is basically the same as last time. The only difference will be that rather than freaking out and increasing my injections if I am slow to stim, they are starting on a higher dose earlier and will then back off the dose even if I have a slow stim (which I always do). The hope is that I won't hyperstimulate like I did last time. The goal is to have only 1-4 great follicles rather than 9 good ones. Everything else went fine last time, but for some reason, my husband's swimmers and my eggies either didn't meet up or decided not to stick around. When it comes to that part of our cycle, I will do anything I can to encourage that part of this cycle to happen. We really need this one to have a positive result.

If for some reason this doesn't work, my husband announced the other day that he is ready for us look into to moving out of state. We are tossing some ideas around, but I believe that if more treament is needed, we just might move to Maryland, because then we could get insurance that would cover future treatments (and it is a state we were already considering moving to). That would be SWEET. Of course, the sweeter option would be for this cycle to work.