Let the countdown begin!

Sort of as expected, things aren't going quite as expected. Haha...why would they at this point? I started taking Provera last week to kick-start things and was due to finish my 10 day regimen today. However, after only 7 days, the crimson tide appeared. Day 1 was officially on Monday, so I called RE's office that afternoon and was told to start birth control pills on Wednesday...today. Looks like we're about a week ahead of schedule all around, which had me panicking a bit, I'll admit. I remember in January when we thought we were going to go through with IVF then (started birth control and set our calendar appointment), that I started freaking out. This time has proven to be no different. I really didn't appreciate enough how nice it was to NOT think about this stuff for almost a whole year. Immediately, we've jumped back into it and I am getting the reminder of a lifetime about how stressful this all is.

I am a lot healthier than I was one year ago. My blood pressure is normal, my weight is significantly less (as of this posting, I've lost 60 pounds). I am exercising more...though admittedly, not much lately. The last time I had blood work done, my results were normal for everything. I know exactly what to expect with this IVF thing. I have had plenty of time to research it, have done enough IUI cycles with the same protocol to know what it will be like. I am more ready than ever. However, I am a mess! I posted a journal note in my online support group about this and I feel a little better about it, but my mind is still playing stupid games with me.

This cycle marks a very expensive, uncertain effort for us to change our lives forever by hopefully being able to start a family after nearly 8 years of just being a couple with no kids. I want a family...we want a family. BUT...I hate feeling like I have to let go of the things I've been controlling over the past year in exchange for only a possibility, not a guarantee. I may be started to get a bit obsessed with my weight loss...I still have more to lose to put me at my goal weight which is within healthy limits, but currently I'm 5 pounds away from my original pre-IVF goal weight, so I'll be satisfied to at least get to that goal. Still, I hate that I'm still shy of the final goal, but I'll get there someday. I've got other things to do first.

The truth is, my brain has already hopped onto the infertility roller coaster again. It doesn't matter whether or not I'm taking meds right now...it's the process, the anticipation, the finances...all of it that puts this ride in motion. It guarantees to be full of ups, downs, twists, and turns and in all our previous experiences, it hasn't ended well. This time, it has to work. There is still no guarantee, but we really have done EVERYTHING we could this time to improve the odds. This would be the ultimate defeat for us if it doesn't result in a healthy pregnancy and it terrifies me to be reminded that even with improved odds, there is still a chance that it won't work. I just can't accept that.

So...as hard as it is, I am going to try my best to lose more weight in the next month before we get in full gear with appointments and medication again. After that, I'm going to try harder than ever to stay relaxed and pray for a miracle and we'll see how things go.

Delays ahead

This seems to be the story of my life these days. Everything was ready to go for IVF at the first of the year. I had been informed at the end of the year that my insurance was changing which promised to include fertility benefits, so everything was set for January.

AF made an appearance and I diligently called RE's office to get the ball rolling. I started my birth control and scheduled my calendar appointment, patiently counting down the days. A few days later, RE's office called to tell me that the insurance company was telling them that I did not have coverage for fertility treatment, so they asked me to follow up to make sure. Well, this turned into a big mess which resulted in cancelling the calendar appointment, stopping my birth control and putting everything on hold while we worked on sorting things out. I cannot even begin to describe the feelings of defeat and anger and disappointment that I felt through this ordeal. It took several weeks for me to even call my insurance company to investigate because I was so upset.

When I did finally get a difinitive response from my insurance company, the news wasn't good. While I do apparently have some fertility benefits, this doesn't include IUI or IVF. Lovely...that's what I needed coverage for. Without help from my insurance, we had to save a little more money before we could get back on track with our IVF plans.

Now it is the middle of March and we have been pinching pennies to save up the rest of what we need to fund this cycle. I was able to get most of my meds (the most expensive ones) at a significant discount and they are tucked away, ready to be used when needed. I started Povera earlier this week to make sure that AF doesn't decide to play any cruel jokes on me and I'm expecting to make the call to RE's office sometime next week. I roughly reviewed my calendar and am figuring that if things go according to plan (for once), IVF should happen at the very beginning of May.

I haven't really talked about things with DH lately. I don't want him to get his hopes up or have it on his mind constantly like I do, so when the calendar appointment gets scheduled, that's when I'll tell him that we're back on track. After this whole ordeal, I really don't think that I want to tell anyone (including work) this time. I have a ton of PTO time that I have to take before May, so after my calendar appointment, I will be able to schedule time off for all of my appointments and nobody will be aware that it is for any reason other than because I have to take off anyway.

Part of me actually wants to tell people that we're doing this again, but I want this to work so badly that I feel like we should keep it a secret for once. That way if and when we get good results, we can surprise everyone when and how we choose to share our news. If we don't get good results, we can screen who we share that news with as well and we don't have to tell them until we're emotionally ready to do so.

Hopefully, I can actually update more frequently in the coming weeks since things are starting to get moving again.