Quite a year...

After the nightmare of dealing with side effects from a month of birth control pills, I finally got to the official start of this IUI cycle right on schedule. This past Monday, I went in for my baseline ultrasound and lab work...each of which was normal. Tuesday, I started injections of micro lupron twice a day and yesterday, added Gonal-F injections once a day. We go back to the RE on Monday morning to see how things are coming along. I REALLY hope that I am responding to the medications this time. I will be devastated if I don't get positive results with cycle. We have tried so many things that haven't worked to get to this point and this is essentially a last resort for us. Prior to this, there were always several other protocols we could try, but this is our last option before IVF and we just can't afford an IVF cycle (or another IUI cycle for that matter). So, RE said we were pulling out all the stops. My medication doses are higher and I'm using more potent meds to give my ovaries every possible push to do their thing, then if we make it to IUI, will do everything possible to try to make it work (and stick).

This past Saturday was our 6th wedding anniversary. It also marked 1 year that we had been working with our RE, and day 1 of my current cycle. Looking back, it has been quite a roller coaster, but I'm hopeful that this is the time it will pay off for us. Even though it has only been a year since we started treatments for infertility with our RE, we have been trying to expand our family for years. To have this milestone be "the one" would be such an awesome blessing for us!

An additional support I have had lately is a new friend at work who went through the same thing before getting pregnant with her son. Her doctor was even in the same office as mine (though, they are no longer in practice together). She brought me a bottle of wine yesterday and said that she and her husband got drunk just before their IVF and wound up pregnant, so she encouraged me to have a glass or two to relax this weekend before our follicle scan. She truly gets how stressful it can be, when everybody else in my office can get pregnant without a problem (and there has been at least one pregnant person constantly for that past 3 years...at least). Although I don't plan to get drunk, I may raise a glass in the hope that this time, it will work for us!

Phone calls to the RE

Of course, my body doesn't do anything according to "my schedule." I had this stuff all planned out, so I would have a month of birth control, which wouldn't interfere with any happenings this month, then we'd move right into our next IUI cycle on schedule. I had this thing planned to the day! However, on CD13, I made a semi-frantic phone call to my RE because I was bleeding! I was assured that this is normal and that it isn't really AF, so not to worry. However, it has never really stopped. I am still aware that this happens, but it has sort of ruined my carefully laid out plans. I'm making another call to my RE later today to run this all by her, just to make sure we are still on schedule (according to my agenda).

The issue is that this is my last week of birth control...Friday is my last pill. Friday is also the day we go on vacation for the weekend to celebrate our anniversary. We NEVER go anywhere on our anniversary and vowed that this year would be different. Well, needless to say, the timing is no longer awesome, but we'll just have to deal with it. I should have known (and had a feeling) this would happen.

Anyway, I'm just really hoping that all this stress and discomfort is worth it this time around. Money is getting tight, so we may have to take a more extended break in treatment if it doesn't work this time. That would be a huge disappointment!!! So, I am keeping my head up, hoping my RE can give me peace-of-mind (as usual), and praying for a successful cycle, despite the bumps in the road. AND...I will have a wonderful anniversary weekend in spite of my body's failure to cooperate with my plans.

And we're back...

Well, the summer is drawing to a close and "break time" is officially over. We have the money we needed to continue treatments and will be starting a cycle of birth control pills in just a few days. What?! Birth control to help me get pregnant? Haha...my RE says it sometimes works to "shock" my defiant reproductive organs into doing their job so that next month, we can proceed as planned with more injections (along with blood work and more visits to the office for ultrasounds) and hopefully, we'll finally have a successful IUI. I remain sure that if my ovaries actually spit out even one little egg, my DH's army of swimmers can SURELY find their way to it and one can SURELY seek refuge inside said egg and SURELY said zygote can then make itself comfy somewhere in my uterus for about 9 months. At least, that is what I pray happens because this girl sure isn't made of money and she's really tired of giving herself shots and hearing "sorry, not this cycle" and saving every extra penny on drugs and doctor visits when she would rather be buying baby stuff for her unborn child.

My plan over the summer was to focus on other things, like having fun, paying other bills, losing weight, etc. Honestly, my motivation was in significant trouble. I certainly had some fun, but didn't do a whole lot of traveling or other things that I probably would have done if I wasn't saving my money. I paid off some bills, though still have a few that I'm working on, but the end is in sight, at least. I haven't really lost any weight...haven't dieted, haven't done a ton of exercising. That's okay though, because I also haven't GAINED weight. I am also in really good spirits right now (probably hormone-related), so my motivation is slowly improving enough that I think I may actually lose a few more pounds before the "real" end of summer. I had also planned to see a new doctor, but that hasn't happened. I know who I want my new OBGYN to be, but haven't called yet. I keep putting that off until I need her for OB reasons, rather than adding GYN appointments to my list of "stuff to do." I think I have settled on a new family doctor as well...I actually have it narrowed down to two promising possibilities. My only hang-up with that is that I have a little bit of a balance left to pay my current doctor (literally one more payment could do it) before I switch. I haven't been in a big rush though, because I have plenty of metformin and I keep telling myself that I don't "need" anything else right now (even though I know I'm lying to myself....HELLO!). But, I have every confidence that these things will be falling into place soon. At this point, I'm taking all of this one day at a time. Flying by the seat of my pants (sort of), as my DH has taught me to do during our marriage. Sure, I still plan things out, but I don't get in as big of an anxious rush about it (if I can help it)...seems to work pretty well for me.

So, I tip my glass of orange juice to my pills each morning before I wash them down and hope that this time...THIS TIME...will be the time it works.

Just a quick update

It's been a month since my last post, so I thought I should at least throw out there that I'm still here. Still on a "break" from infertility treatments until we can afford it again...should be in another month or two. AF has been toying with me as usual...I acutally called my RE a couple of months ago for medication to get the ball rolling even though we weren't really "trying." However, the day before I was going to start the medication, low and behold...AF showed up. So, I saved my prescription and will use it later, as I'm sure I'll need it since it has now been 52 days since AF showed up and there has been no reappearance so far. Lovely. Anyway, just for fun, I decided to take a pregnancy test on Father's Day, thinking it would be the BEST gift ever for my husband, but as expected, it was negative.

I've been really trying to lose weight, though I'm not exercising NEARLY as much as I know I should. I'm doing okay with watching what I eat, though I'm not on any strict diets like I've done in the past, simply because I know I will not stick to anything long. Sometimes, I wish I had more will power for that stuff, but it's so hard for me to stick with a diet now that I cook for two (my husband and me). It was much easier to do the diet and exercise thing when I was single and had nothing better to do. However, I LOVE being married and wouldn't trade that for anything!

Money, money, money, money...

I hate thinking about money. I hate worrying about money. I generally don't have to worry about it too much...we have enough to get our bills paid and do fun stuff every once in a while. We do have some debt (student loans, and medical bills, mostly), but we are getting things taken care of. Unfortunately, my insurance does not cover any of my treatments for infertility, so all has been out of pocket so far. I have a little money left in my flex account and we're trying to build our savings back up so we can afford the next round of treatment without completely going broke.

I was sure that although we definitely needed a break from appointments and charting and medications, the break would be difficult. It actually hasn't been as bad as I feared. Sure, I still get a little sad when I walk by the baby stuff at the store, or feel mixed emotions when I get a new picture of my 6-week-old niece (my sis and I were TTC at the same time). However, the "time off" has allowed me to put my focus elsewhere. I can focus on work, cleaning my house, improving my physical health (exercising more!!!), and all those things that I had started to neglect a little more when my mind was on my female anatomy.

I hadn't even seen AF since February and finally decided to call my RE in April to get some Provera. Of course, the day after I picked up the prescription (before I actually started taking it), AF showed up. Until recently, I was always on a hormonal roller coaster. I feel like this break has been great because my body is starting to act more like the body I remember before all the hormone injections and pills. I don't feel "every little thing," and wonder....

Anyway, even though break time has been good for us, we got asked the dreaded question from some friends we hadn't seen in a couple of years..."When are you having kids?" I mean, my GOSH...it's been almost 6 years for crying out loud...how much time do we need before we start adding to our family??? So, because I'm not hormonal, I calmly and cooly said, "We will have kids someday, when we're ready. We have just been enjoying our time together. We can do anything we want, whenever we want and don't have to worry about a babysitter." This reminded me that I can't wait to start trying again. The plan is to hopefully have the money we need by August...September at the latest. Hopefully, the next round will be the magic one that finally results in a pregnancy.

This is it...double or nothing

What a roller coaster we've been on for the past couple of weeks! After discovering that I ovulated on day 20 of my last cycle, we were waiting to see whether things would progress. Our hope that it would be "the cycle" was squashed when AF arrived on day 29. So, I cried a lot (I'm sure this was mostly hormonal) and I called my RE's office to let them know that I needed to schedule another appointment, so we could start again. I hate making those calls.

But, the plan this cycle is to double my injections and we're hopeful that this will give us the boost we need to make things happen. I don't care if we end up with multiples, I just want to get pregnant! This is our last cycle. The meds for this cycle totaled just over $700 and had we not already gotten some of the meds we will hopefully use later this cycle, the total for just meds this cycle would have been $1000. We'll be spending between $500 and $800 on RE appointments this month (I'm hoping for $800 because that will mean the meds worked). It is February and we've already used up the rest of our Flex money for the year. Our savings has been depleted as well. We're out of money for IF treatment.

So, this is the cycle that HAS to work. If not, the plan is to take a break from the RE for a while, to rebuild our savings. We also plan to focus on getting some other things taken care of (bills and some weekends away) in the next few months as a way of "regroupng." We will probably restart some herbal treatments, so we aren't "wasting" any cycles. But, I'm hoping that none of this even needs to be considered because I want this to be "the cycle."

New Hope

It is funny that the things that run through my head during any given cycle seem to pop up as discussions when I visit my online support group. I may have never noticed it before, but suddenly when I think all hope is lost and I'm fighting a losing battle, someone mentions an idea that renews my hope. I love my support group!

As previously noted, my most recent ultrasound was more than a little disappointing. My ovaries/follicles are just being stubborn and not developing fast enough. Based on previous education about the growth rate, I figured out that if my follicles were to continue to develop at a normal pace, then I should theoretically ovulate sometime between days 19 and 22 of my cycle. This makes sense, as I seem to have long cycles. Last year, my OBGYN suggested I stop wasting my money on ovulation predictors (OPKs) because it is difficult to get a positive reading since I have only a small window when it would show up positive. When I started seeing my RE, he never said I should start using OPKs again, so I didn't...until now. I took a chance and used an OPK on day 20, just to see what it would read. The result was positive, which was great, though it is at least the 2nd time in the past year that I've had a positive OPK. Nevertheless, it renewed my hope that maybe we can get pregnant this cycle. My husband and I "danced" several times between days 19 and 22 and we'll find out in a couple of weeks if it worked. At this point, I'm certainly hoping for a postive pregnancy test, but I'm not getting my hopes up since we've had so many negatives. I am sending positive thoughts to my girl parts on a daily basis, so we'll see how it goes.

It looks like we have enough money for one more cycle of treatment, then we may have to take a break for a few months to rebuild our funds. I think that even if we take a break from the RE for a while, we'll start back up with alternative treatments, so we don't feel like those months are a complete waste. I hate the idea of taking a break at all, but this whole thing is so stressful anyway, so perhaps if we continue to have failed results, a break will be exactly what we need for a while...just to heal.

In any case, my husband and I have agreed that we need to get back on the bandwagon and work on eating healthier and exercising regularly again. I'm also trying to work on reducing my stress levels because they are starting to interfere with my memory and my productivity at work (again). I think we'll be back on track soon.